Hello there,
Could you please check my essay?
The prompt:
Essay #2 (Required for all applicants. 500 words maximum.)
Describe the unique qualities that attract you to the specific undergraduate College or School (including preferred admission and dual degree programs) to which you are applying at the University of Michigan . How would that curriculum support your interests?
The essay:
It would be hard to imagine a world without gasoline, plastics, paper or any other chemical products used in daily life. Chemical engineers are there to convert raw materials into end products like food and fuels. In my early age, I was impressed on how cars can run and where the fuel is coming from or how it is made!
I am not a native English speaker, but thanks to my mother who is an English teacher that besides the school taught me English, and my father who is a computer science major that made it very simple for me to understand information and communication technologies. With all of that, I was interested on being a dentist. So, why did I choose chemical engineering as a career?
During my childhood and years at school, I knew ARAMCO as an oil company. I liked this company for its type of work and well reputation; it is the largest divers company in Saudi Arabia . In addition to my parents, I heard a lot of people were talking and wishing if they could work for ARAMCO. Its highly requirements made it very hard for anyone to work in ARAMCO. Knowing that many applicants were rejected made me to study harder at school. Right after high school graduation, I applied to ARAMCO; fortunately I was accepted as a College Preparatory Program student (CPP). In contrast, being accepted as CPP student in ARAMCO, it means many things to me. They will pay my scholarship at collage, they will prepare me well for collage, they will send me overseas for my collage degree and my future employment will be waiting for me on graduation.
I am so fortunate girl to have a family with strong values and beliefs. They have given me unconditional love which made me to be so much confidant girl with a lot of creative ideas. I loved chemistry, mathematics and working in research laboratories. I like to develop and optimize processes and methods that would be to the benefit to the world. Chemical engineering fulfilled my passion not only for chemistry, but also understanding how processes work. In addition, thinking of being an employee of ARAMCO had made me to think of studying in this field because it serves well for its major environmental concern and also make contributions to my country in developing better environment.
I am an international student that will apply admission as an undergraduate student in Chemical Engineering. I think what students can do with their time during collage is the key to success. The availability of the academic and non-academic programs and resources offered by the university certainly matters. I have visited and explored the Website of Michigan University and found the resources available to students are very impressive. Examples: Michigan Learning Communities programs which enable students to focus on their interests within a small supportive community. I found the State University of Michigan with an excellent reputation and its location is an experience of its own.
In my early age, I was impressed on how cars can run and where the fuel is coming from or how it is made!
"At a young age I was impressed by how cars run, and where and how its fuel is made " would work better here.
I am not a native English speaker, but thanks to my mother who is an English teacher that besides the school taught me English, and my father who is a computer science major that made it very simple for me to understand information and communication technologies.
Here, try something like, "I am not a native English speaker, but thanks to school, the help of my mother, who is an English teacher, and my father, who is a computer science major, I've been able to understand information and communication technologies."
During my childhood and years at school, I knew ARAMCO as an oil company. I liked this company for its type of work and well reputation; it is the largest divers company in Saudi Arabia .
Good would be used in place of well here.
In addition to my parents, I heard a lot of people were talking and wishing if they could work for ARAMCO.
Here, try, "many people wished they could work for ARAMCO.
Its highly requirements made it very hard for anyone to work in ARAMCO.
Use high in place of highly.
Knowing that many applicants were rejected made me to study harder at school.
I think here you left out want to.
In contrast, being accepted as CPP student in ARAMCO, it means many things to me.
Here, I'm not sure if you need the, "In contrast" as you aren't comparing it to anything.
They will pay my scholarship at collage, they will prepare me well for collage, they will send me overseas for my collage degree and my future employment will be waiting for me on graduation.
Here, it's college, not collage. And, though this is nitpicking, on graduation should be changed to upon graduation
I am so fortunate girl to have a family with strong values and beliefs.
You're missing the article a. It should read, "I am such a fortunate girl..."
They have given me unconditional love which made me to be so much confidant girl with a lot of creative ideas .
"which has made me to be a more confident girl (or woman, which naturally connotes maturity and confidence) with a lot of creative ideas." Also, it might not hurt to expand on some creative ideas.
I like to develop and optimize processes and methods that would be to the benefit to the world .
"Benefit the world" would work better.
In addition, thinking of being an employee of ARAMCO had made me to think of studying in this field because it serves well for its major environmental concern and also make contributions to my country in developing better environment.
Here, I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to communicate. Are you trying to say your involvement with ARAMCO helped encourage your interest in chemical engineering?
I am an international student that will apply admission as an undergraduate student in Chemical Engineering.
"apply for admission"
An end note, when talking about the opportunities the college will provide you with, don't just discuss what they are, discuss how you would use them to further your education and career.
I have an idea for rearranging some sentences:
It would b is hard to imagine a world without gasoline, plastics, paper or any other chemical products used in daily life. At an early age, I was impressed about how cars can run and where the fuel is coming from or how it is made. I learn ed that chemical engineers are there to convert raw materials into end products like food and fuels. (Right here, add a thesis statement that tells the reader the main idea you want her to remember.)
That thesis statement I want you to add above... do not make it a statement that simply says, "I want to attend MU and enroll in chem engineering." The goal is to put an idea in the reader's head about a mission you are on, something important to you, your unique way of approaching your chosen field. Make the reader notice your uniqueness at the end of that first paragraph. To do that, wait and relax. Wait for a moment of inspiration.
:-)
