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Crack! I was down! ; COMMON APP/ Significant Experience


tjk10 1 / 1  
Oct 28, 2009   #1
i know it is long and am working to cut it down, please tell me your thoughts, thanks

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Personal Experience - Word count: 762

Crack! I was down. My head was spinning with a million different thoughts. What is going on? Why am I in so much pain? Did I make the tackle? I looked up, locking eyes with a teammate of mine, as if crying for help. He, like every other spectator, player, and coach was in shock, silently watching as the school's trainer sprinted across the field, her bag flapping in the air as she moved. It was nighttime, opening night of the football season to be exact, and I, a junior starter on my High School Varsity football team, was already injured. I thought my life (career?) was over.

The doctor told me I had torn multiple ligaments in my knee, as well as my meniscus. I needed surgery. Thus began the long and tiring road to recovery. This was serious, and I knew I had to confront it with everything I had. All of the trophies and memorabilia that I have collected over the years meant nothing now. Nothing in my life had ever felt this real; everything was a blur until now.

I had to find a way to balance the crutches, the afterschool rehab, and academics. I always have had high academic standards, but this seemed like the perfect opportunity to throw them out the window. It would make for a good excuse, I thought. Not to mention that this happened in the most rigorous time in my life, where grades are most important. I wanted to take the easy road and compromise everything I had stood for. But I decided to stick to my guns, and put all my effort into my two new jobs, school and rehab.

With the help of my trainers, I worked harder than I ever had before. Every day I was in the training room bending, squatting, and lifting. And when I would get home, I would put in multiple hours of homework and studying. I had to keep my A average; I wasn't turning back now. When my first quarter grades came back, I was nervous; I peered into the envelope, hoping to see the grades I desired. I saw the number that designated my GPA and was instantly relieved. I had done it, and I was proud. I had also worked myself back into full health in only four and a half months, a feat that usually takes six to twelve months for the average patient. But I wasn't average. The effort and energy I had exhausted was well worth it when I stepped on to the lacrosse field on the first day of the varsity season.

This all culminated on opening day of the following season, my senior year. I had worked all summer, becoming the leader of the defense and play-caller. The team we were playing wasn't great, but I still wanted to give it all I had. I was exhausted the entire game, but on one play, as if by fate, the quarterback let the ball go, leaving it suspended in air. I jumped, tightening my grip as soon I touched it. I landed, and took off. I ran like I'd never ran before, my surroundings become non-existent as I crossed the goal line. Watching the play on tape days later, it didn't seem that difficult, but it meant more to me than any of my teammates would ever know. I was back.

But, as life goes, the next practice I went for a tackle and blew out my other knee, this time much worse. I knew right away what had happened. The familiar feeling came back, the pain ensuing. It is still a little depressing to think about, but at least this time I can go in with a completely different mindset. I know now that I can get through it, and keep my grades up, simultaneously.

I'm currently still on crutches, awaiting a second surgery on my left knee (third overall). Although I am constantly struggling to stay focused, after all that I have been through, I know that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. This experience has shown me a side of myself that I never knew existed. I have been morally tested, reaching a point of determination and perseverance that I have never touched.

Two consecutive seasons of being sidelined by injury is terrible, but I believe everything has a reason. Now, I am a stronger person who will never think twice about giving up on his convictions again because I know that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

Extra-Curricular Activity - Word count: 150

Sweat glistening, I was nervous, trying to escape into my headphones. A leader on this service trip, I was awaiting ten students from the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation in South Dakota. A million different thoughts raced through my head: What would they look like? Would they like me? I had been a leader many times before, but not to people so distant from me.

When they stepped out off van, I was awestruck. They not only looked like us, but dressed like us and spoke fluent English. I realized I was naïve in my worries, but I knew now that my week would be a fruitful and enlightening one.

We were united in our call to service. Through serving the poor, cleaning out termite-infested hospitals, and taking care of underprivileged children, we had developed a unique bond. This was more than a service trip in Washington, DC; this was friendship.
srandhawa 10 / 157  
Oct 28, 2009   #2
i like this essay in general it is a good answer to the prompt, but the one thing I think would make it better is focusing a little bit more on the last paragraph, that relationship you established with the kids. You don't have to spend as much time anticpiating what it would be like, just say what it was like and talk about the relationship you did establish. You're in good shape though overall.
ruzhang143 3 / 16  
Nov 17, 2009   #3
I am just giving some suggestions on your activity. I think you focused too much on the setting of your scene instead of real work, which should be the main part. Try shifting your focus and it will be much better. Take whatever you need
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 19, 2009   #4
Crack! I was down. A million different thoughts spun in my head.

That is just an idea I had...

At the end of the first essay, you say "morally tested"... but that does not seem quite right.
Maybe the conclusion is overly dramatic, too. I wonder if you could make it less dramatic and more insightful -- like, mention an insight that you got during this experience. What is the part of yourself that you nver knew until now, and what does it have to do with your career goals, etc?

That second essay has a bad part in the middle where you express relief that they were "just like us." Can you see how it might be bad to say you were relieved to see that they were just like you? It is better to say you connected with them instantly and felt comfortable, despite differences.


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