I feel like I'm walking on risky ground showing my imperfections too much, how should I change it so that it makes me seem like a less irresponsible?
Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
"Krista, do you mind looking through this food menu and checking to see if we can go along?" my board mate asked. This was my first major task as Vice President of Kermesse board, our school's spring festival. As an experienced committee member for 2 years, I was elected as Vice President of the board. At first I refused, questioning myself whether I can complete the task. The president saw the hesitant in my eyes and comforted me, "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be a great leader if you put your heart to it." With his words in mind, I decided to challenge myself and take on a leadership role this year.
Being Vice President isn't easy. There are many responsibilities that came along with it. For half a year, all I could think about was Kermesse. Everyday after school I would meet up with my co-president and our teacher in charge to discuss about the logistics of Kermesse till dark. We held committee meetings where we fought about which theme to use and which ideas to use. We needed to paint the poster, create advertisements, find teacher sponsors. Accompanied with my co-president, I went up to different clubs and inspected to see if the food that they are selling meet the environmental and safety requirements of our school's policy. Many times, I faced rejection and tons of questions. I had to communicate with the school administration staff and security to ensure all booths are safe and there's no commotion. All these in 3 months! With only the help of 30 other committee members! Not only was I the president of the committee, I also was the head of the game committee of the board. I spent countless hours at home brainstorming different types of games that would incorporate the theme of "worldly culture". I had to ensure everyone on the committee completed their part accurately. Many times, I would have to help my committee member finish their part as they were not able to finish their task by the deadline.
After all the hard work, I thought Kermesse would definitely run smoothly. To my horror, I find out last minute that our school choir was chosen to participate in Chicago's Festival of Gold and would not be able to attend Kermesse. What happens if something went wrong during Kermesse? I panicked. In the end, I informed my teacher in charge and my co-president, ensured that all preparation work was done, informed my game committee members, and appointed a friend to be my substitute for the day of Kermesse. I explained to her my responsibilities at Kermesse, and told her to call me immediately if anything happens. With that, I hopped on the plane, fingers crossed, hoping that Kermesse would be a success.
Oh how wrong I was! When I turned on my phone after I got on the plane, I was shocked to see 10 missed call from my other board members. Frantically, I returned the call to hear my board members yelling at me. "Where are you? We were looking for you! The water balloons of the water balloon game pops too easily!" I apologized fervently, explained the situation to her and promised her I will fix the mess. I felt as if a huge stone crushed me on my back, and guilt engulfed me. I wanted to hop on the next plane and fly back to San Francisco to solve the problem. But I couldn't. Immediately, I called my friend who was my substitute and I gave her instructions. I asked her to raise the requirements of the game so that it will be harder to win, while a game committee member runs to party city to buy balloons that are thicker and harder to burst. During the whole day, I was on my phone, talking to her, giving her instructions while my choir members were playing around in the hotel, enjoying their time.
Fortunately, Kermesse was still a huge success even though there were glitches in it. We received feedback from teachers claiming that we did a great job organizing the performances, food and even games. At the debrief meeting, I sincerely apologized to the team, admitted it was my fault that I was not there on the day of Kermesse. I also made a proposal stating solutions if another situation like this was encountered. My board members were all very understanding and forgave me.
Being an adult is presenting yourself to the world with all of your strengths, and your vulnerabilities, regardless of any insecurities you might feel you have. Being an adult we have set foot on the battlefield of life, and have only our personal resources for defense. Responsibility, and consequence both become a major impetus in most all of our decisions. Being an adult secures us great freedom, and power in this world, but with that power, and freedom we must always assume responsibility for our actions.
Good essay, Krcheng!
The following is just my advice, you could take it with a grain of salt haha.
The president saw the hesitant in my eyes and comforted me
Change hesitant to hesitation
I was shocked to see 10 missed call from my other board members
Change call to calls
Responsibility, and consequence
Remove the comma
Okay, so after all of the small stuff, I have just some general advice.
1) The essay shifts between present and past a couple of times, which makes it a bit convoluted.
2) You use a lot of passive voice rather than active voice. Meaning, many things are happening to you rather than you do many of the things. Here's an example:
Harry ate six shrimp at dinner. (active)
At dinner, six shrimp were eaten by Harry. (passive)
3) The story is very long. I think you should spend more time talking about the impact to the experience rather than going on and on about the experience itself.
Overall, I love the topic and ideas; they just need some fine tuning. Good luck on applying!
