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"I crave organization" - Application Essay Edits/ Suggestion


medelman2010 11 / 31  
Nov 3, 2009   #1
Hey Everybody,
I'm new to this site, so I hope I am doing this all correctly! If not I would be truly grateful if someone could tell me a better way to go about this.

This is my essay that I plan on adapting from my original (ED to Columbia) to make it work for my common app and uc app. It was basically a free choice question so the prompt is relatively irrelevant. Hopefully the essay isnt terrible because I already submitted it to Columbia, but I would love any edits and suggestions you guys may have to improve it for the rest of my colleges.

Thanks so much, I really appreciate your time!

I crave organization. I create schedules, organize meeting agendas, and revel in the joy of outlining. This sense of order and structure helps me feel secure that I have the ability to do well in a subject. I can apply the same technique to almost all subjects in school, from math formulas to biology outlines to English grammar; this skill has helped me excel in all areas, except for one: Art.

With the end of junior year rapidly approaching, I realized that if I wanted to actually graduate from high school and go to college, I would need to take one of our school's required art classes. I begged and pleaded with Ms. Sturgill, the head of the art department, to please make an exception for me and allow me to take AP Art History without the prerequisite studio art course. I just knew that I would never succeed at an art class. Art class would epitomize my challenges in spatial creativity, and force me to do poorly in a subject. As kindly as she could, Ms. Sturgil told me that she would not make an exception for me, and suggested that I sign up for Photography as it doesn't involve my nemesis-drawing. Thinking this was at least a partial solution to my problem, I did as she suggested, turned in my registration form, and left for summer vacation, with the peace of mind that at least I wouldn't have to paint, or worse, draw.

The phone call came the week before school was to start. The Head for Academics, Mallory Rome, informed me that she was unable to place me into Photography.

"Does this mean I can take AP Art History instead?"
"No, the only other option is Studio Art."
I was in shock. On the first day of school, I survived AP Biology and International Relations, both classes that would give a typical student more stress than art. I walked into art class for the first time, and Ms. Sturgill handed out a questionnaire. It was easy enough to fill out, until the last question: turn the paper over and draw a self-portrait without a mirror. The panic shot through me-this was exactly my fear. I drew to the best of my ability my own face, which came out looking more like a demented pumpkin. Rushing out of the room, close to tears, I realized that if every art project caused me this much anxiety, I probably wouldn't make it to October.

Luckily, through the careful guidance of Ms. Sturgill, I am finally able to understand how to start drawing successfully and stress-free. I need to make the effort to switch to the right side of my brain, which governs the spatial creativity that art requires, instead of relying only on the left part of my brain that uses logic and verbal creativity to process information. This switch does not come easily for me. I am realizing, though, that through exercising my brain to make this switch, I am opening up the possibilities for my art far beyond anything solely black and white, with clear success and failure. My initial fears about my spatial awareness have all but evaporated, and I can now draw shapes that fit together with a meaning. Through much trial and error, I will continue to develop my art and my understanding that drawing is putting on paper what my eyes are seeing and not what my brain is thinking.

Thanks again!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 4, 2009   #2
No need for a comma here:
...go to college I would need...

No need for unhelpful details:
The Head of Academics Mallory Rome informed me that she was unable...

Have you ever read about Gardner's famous work pertaining to "multiple intelligences?" I am like you; when I draw, it looks like a melting pumpkin. I feel so bad for you, were you the only one in class who could not draw? It is because you write so well; you got the skill for language instead of visual arts.

But you can develop all the inteligences, and that is a great theme for this essay. I think it would be brilliant if, at the end, you write little about how your organized, methodical way of thinking will help you in your intended career, and how your skill with visual arts will also help you if you continue to develop it. That will be a very impressive essay; it already is impressive.
OP medelman2010 11 / 31  
Nov 5, 2009   #3
Thanks for you suggestions!

Any idea about how to make the themes you suggested more clear in my essay?
I have a word count of 500 words so it makes it difficult to add anything to it

Thanks again!
abutler5 3 / 17  
Nov 6, 2009   #4
I don't have much advice for you as far as your essay structure goes, but I wanted to let you know that I COMPLETELY relate to you here. I'm incredibly highly organized, but I can't draw a stick figure to save my life. I just wanted to let you know that I loved your essay because I related to it so, so much.


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