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I crave to pop this suburban bubble, leave my familiar environment, and experience change


sgm0328 1 / -  
Jan 14, 2015   #1
Writing question for University of Colorado-Boulder Supplement Essay:
The University of Colorado Boulder's Flagship 2030 strategic plan promotes exceptional teaching, research, scholarship, creative works, and service distinguishing us as a premier university. We strive to foster a diverse and inclusive community for all that engages each member in opportunities for academic excellence, leadership, and a deeper understanding of the world in which we live. Given the statement above, how do you think you could enrich our diverse and inclusive community, and what are your hopes for your college experience?

my response:

To me, diversity is a fundamental part of any society. I come from what could be called a diversity dead zone. In my small Long Island town, many people are at ease living their whole life in a suburban bubble. However for me, I crave to pop this bubble, leave my familiar environment, and experience change. Often when I tell people that my top choice is Colorado, I receive a puzzled look, followed by an exclamation along the lines of "Wow, that's REALLY far away." I pride myself on being a curious, worldly person. Often labeled by my friends as a "geography nerd", I am highly interested in learning about other cultures.

Growing up, I had an infatuation with maps. I remember my parents buying me a world map placemat that I would study every morning as I ate my cheerios. Something about the consistency of maps has always given me a sense of comfort. As I progressed into my teen years, this interest continued and I longed to travel to the places I had studied on maps. I was given the opportunity freshman year to go on a service trip to Nicaragua, the second poorest country in our hemisphere. This experience opened my eyes to the conditions that a large percentage of the world lives in. During High School, I returned to Nicaragua each year, and became heavily involved in fundraising initiatives to help the people of the communities of Chacraseca and Nuevo Amanecer. I believe I can add the the already diverse and inclusive environment at CU bringing my experiences I learned in Nicaragua, as well as my curiosity and open-mindedness towards other cultures.

While at University of Colorado, I plan to major in International Affairs. After looking at the vast amount of classes offered for this major, I am excited to begin studying in a field that I am exceedingly interested in. In addition, Boulder has an excellent study abroad program which is tremendously important to me. In the future, I plan to pursue a career in foreign service, and with the geographic concentration and language proficiency programs at CU, I believe I will graduate highly prepared for the job search. I can't imagine a school that is a better fit for me.

My hope for the college experience is to come out a more well-rounded individual with a broad knowledge of the world around me. After my visit to gorgeous campus, I knew Boulder was the school for me.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Jan 15, 2015   #2
Okay. The essay does not really offer the answer that prompt requires. Have you given any thought to further expanding the discussion about the experiences and lessons that you learned in Nicaragua in order to help portray the ways that you hope to help enrich the university community? That would have been the most proper response to the essay. Truth be told, the essay lost focus after you mentioned that you looked forward to sharing those experiences with the UCB community. Try to expand upon that statement by offering clear ideas about how you plan to share that experience in a learning way with your peers. The rest of your essay after that Nicaragua prompt just does not fall within the prompt requirements so you can delete those parts and revise the latter portion of the paper totally. That is the only way to best present your response to the prompt based upon the requirements provided.


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