Hey there, I am applying for University of Washington as an international freshman and I would love some help with my personal statement. Thank you
PROMPT: Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it. Maximum length: 600 words
You can't create experiences, experiences create you. People often say that life is a roller coaster ride because it is filled with ups and downs that helps you learn along your way through life. Those irreplaceable experiences are the main essence that makes life fascinating. It also help shape and mold your own personality and identity as quoted by Julies Caesar "Experience is the teacher of all things."
Life is a series of experiences and each of it surely has affected us in some way. Therefore, the experience that shook my world was when I participated in a camp called the Rotary Youth Leadership Awards (RYLA). It was a 3 days 2 nights event that forever alternated how I view things in life and also vastly widened my perception. In fact, RYLA was actually my very first camp that I participated in and I am glad I was chosen to represent my school in that very event. RYLA took place in Kinarut, Kota Kinabalu, Sabah from 29th May to 1st June 2014. Furthermore, RYLA has participants from all the nations in Malaysia including some from Singapore and Brunei thus making it an eye opening experience. This is because I had the first hand access in interacting and connecting with people that are intellectually different. Also, my social skills skyrocketed as social interaction was essential throughout the camp. It allowed me to be break down the walls of isolation that I would normally be in and this drastically boosted up my confidence.
In addition to that, the camp also gave me a whole new definition to leadership because I was given the responsibility to lead my new group of friends during the camp. My leadership skill was absolutely put to the test as the value of teamwork was also often portrayed in the activities. After getting familiar with each other, our fitness level was tested in a jungle trekking activity. We were totally out of our elements as we had to climb up steep cliffs and also go through treacherous muddy terrains in order to complete the course. However, we were not bothered by it because we were too busy being captivated by the rich biodiversity that can be found in Malaysia. The delightful sound of nature and the fresh air that surrounded us was an escape from the hustle and bustle of the city. As night falls, we were then given the task to make our own dinner in the jungle from scratch. It was basically an episode for man versus wild as we had to search for dry twigs and light up our own fire. Even though none of us were master chefs, we still managed to work together as a team and made ourselves a decent meal thus sparring us all from getting food poisoning.
The most intriguing part of this experience was when we had to perform as a group in a competition called Talent Night. As the leader of the pack, I could undeniably feel the heavy responsibilities that was on my shoulders but without backing out, I took it head on and my group was victorious.I have definitely soaked in a lot through this mind boggling experience because without it, I wouldn't be the Amin Firasy that I am today.
Life honestly begins at the end of our comfort zone. That is why in order to truly experience life itself, we must be brave and approach life with a sense of wonder and discovery. Take the leap of faith into the unknown because the adventure is surely worthwhile.
Firasy, you don't have to create such a verbose introduction for your response to this essay. I think you targeted meeting the maximum word count which is why you decided to get all fluffy with your opening statement when you did not necessarily have to do so. Actually, the introduction did not tell me anything about you so I don't really think that the reviewer will appreciate reading a full paragraph or words, just to learn about a Julius Ceasar quote at the end. My opinion is that you should just delete that part and open immediately with your explanation of the camp experience that you had.
The camp experience shows a whole side of your personality and character trait development that will not be seen in any other essay prompt. So don't waste the word count on trying to meet a requirement, just concentrate on presenting your story and the development of your abilities in the quickest way possible. Don't waste the reviewer's time when he has to read 500 more applications that day.
I like the way that you opened the second paragraph. When you said "Life is a series of experiences and each of it surely has affected us in some way." I knew that I was going to be in for a very interesting narrative. You did not fail to deliver that. So you don't really need your current first paragraph. That was weakly developed. So why keep the weak part when removing it can strengthen and make your essay more interesting right?
I also believe that you can remove the part about your experience with the talent night at the conference. It does not deliver as strong an impact as the earlier activities that you presented. It also does not reflect any true leadership development on your part so it is a negligible part of this essay. However, the last sentences that you wrote after that are quite strong and really brings the narrative full circle so you should keep or enhance that part of your conclusion.
Let me give you some feedback. As far as I concern to your personal statement, It is impressive experience. I agree that experience is the best circumstance for exploring intended life. Your experience is interesting for me because I am a social writer and I and my team at College of Social Welfare frequently conduct some training for building charachters group.
My suggest for you, it comes to your first body paragraph. I closely read your explanations on it and I think you should describe how the participants affect your mindset or behave. It means that you get the point of surrounding people which tag along yourself over you had been in the camp.
I hope this can wide your own perspective in the explanation of your experiences, thank you :)
