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"Creating A Better World" - Sophie Davis admission essay


Nanoluvv8D 2 / 6  
Jan 4, 2011   #1
I'm not sure how well this relates to the prompt but it would be great if I could get some feedback so I could send this out.

Prompt:To aid the Admissions Committee in learning more about you, please share your current influences and interest for pursuing a career in medicine.

"Creating A Better World"

The amazing world of medicine has fascinated me ever since I was a young girl, a fact that isn't all that surprising when my family's history is considered. Many people in my family chose to pursue careers in the health care field which, of course, impacted my feelings for this field and actually prompted me to apply to a school like the Sophie Davis School of Biomedical Education. My grandmother is a retired nurse and my mother is a nurse practicioner so if I were to work towards obtaining a degree as a nurse practitioner, that would actually make me a third generation nurse, something that would no doubt make my family proud.

Being the independently minded young lady that I am, I have chosen to forgo such a pursuit and forge a new path combining a degree in nanotechnology and medicine in order to improve the quality of healthcare available in society. Looking around at the world today, it's quite startling to see how many people lack a basic necessity like the provision of a basic healthcare system. Too many people are not able to access healthcare services for reasons that should not carry as much weight as they do when it comes to dealing with a person's health. Unfortunately, things like the status of a person's citizenship, how educated she is and how much money she has, play a large role in determining the quality of healthcare she could receive.

I want to change that, and make it possible for anyone in need of healthcare to be able to receive it without difficulty. My desire is to immerse myself in medical education in order to gather the skills I will need to lend a hand in decreasing the disparity in healthcare. According to the medical report "Crossing The Quality Chasm: A New Health System For The 21st Century"1 the problems in today's healthcare have created a huge gap between where we are and where we should be. Poor organization and a lack of proper motivation has prevented things from progressing as they should, leaving today's healthcare system severely lacking, something that is only hurting people.

I know that so great a task is nearly impossible for one person if many minds, far more educated than mine, still haven't achieved goals created in 2000, as seen in the Healthy People 2010 and Healthy 20202 objectives. Seeing how difficult it has been to implement certain programs in healthcare like increasing the number of people who have a specific source of ongoing care and decreasing the number of people who were unable to obtain or delayed in obtaining necessary medical attention, make me want to be a part of the solution. With a greater number of medical graduates, the number of people receiving delayed medical attention should decrease, which would bring the goals of Healthy People 2020 closer to being completely fulfilled. Perhaps that entire list of goals will actually be achieved by 2020, unlike the previous set of goals meant to have been reached by 2010.

If I were granted the privilege of working towards a medical degree in the Sophie Davis School of Biomedical Education, it would bring me one step closer to being able to help bridge the healthcare chasm and be immersed in what I love. To be able to expand my knowledge of the human body and grasp its many complexities are just two of the benefits of attaining a medical degree. I am eager to begin this journey and learn all that I can.

nap.edu/html/quality_chasm/reportbrief.pdf

healthypeople.gov/2020/topicsobjectives2020/objectiveslist.aspx?topicid=1
Traycat 4 / 9  
Jan 4, 2011   #2
something that would no doubtcertainly make my family proud. ..

Too many people are not able to ....

Try to bring variations in sentences.I found your sentence structures quite boring.that's all I can say.

Good luck.
OP Nanoluvv8D 2 / 6  
Jan 4, 2011   #3
Ok thank you for the corrections and I know this one is a little boring but I couldn't think of how to make it better..


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