"Creating your own inspiration" (the world I come from), UC essay

This is a VERY Rough draft of prompt #1 of the UC admissions essay. I have to make this a lot shorter so anything that is redundant or unnecessary I want to take out so if you notice anything please let me know. Is the ending overly dramatic? or is it good? Any help is highly appreciated. Again Very rough draft :)

Prompt #1 Describe the world you come from- for example, your family, community or school and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I have always had a fairly comfortable, easy life. I have not overcome any kind of great adversity in my life. Sure my family has had financial issues and arguments over the years, but we always got through it together. If life is good and simple it is easy to become complacent. That is exactly what happened to me. I stopped caring. Everything seemed so manufactured, almost as if I was predestined to follow the path of high school, to college, to career. Of course, nobody likes to be told what is best for them, even if it is what is truly best. So I rejected all the advice, my grades slipped, I started ditching class, and getting into trouble with authority and my parents. I dropped out of school. I decided I would make it on my own as if I had something to prove, maybe to my teachers, maybe to my parents, maybe to myself. Whatever the reason was it led me on my own path and I was happy, or so I thought.

I found work at a debt settlement company working in the mail room. Working full time I was able to learn about business and its inner-workings; it fascinated me. There were so many moving parts that had to be in harmony with one another to work smoothly. My avid interest in the company motivated me to work harder than my peers, and because of that I was able to move up the corporate ladder a bit. I was eventually the head of my department and my pay had gone up quite a bit. However, it wasn't long before I came to a sickening realization; I had climbed the ladder as far as I was able to with my level of education. In a panic, I took a risk and quit my job for a higher paying one which promised hefty commissions. I quickly found out what "taking a risk" really meant. There was a chance of failure. I realized then that without a college degree I was not viable to the business world. So I made a decision; one which has ruled all of my waking thoughts since its creation. I was going to find the college that I wanted to attend, and I would do whatever it would take to get there.

With renewed purpose I went back to school and got my diploma. It felt great knowing that I was doing this for me, and not simply to fulfill the expectations of society. My college research showed me that there is so much more to college than a degree. There is an education, an experience, and an adventure that you can only experience in a university. I toured many schools and looked at probably a hundred brochures. I am filled with a zeal I have never felt before. I could never justify depriving myself of the college experience at this point and I know that I will find what I am looking for in the UC system.

Looking back on my life has brought about a powerful realization; all the time that I spent rebelling against "the system", was just a way for me to create my own adversity in an otherwise easy life. I put up barriers for myself just so that I could knock them down. These manufactured hardships have made me a confident and determined person. Since I could not find inspiration in my peaceful world, I created chaos and from the ashes I arose with a purpose of my own creation and a determination to achieve my goals.

Prompt# 2 Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution, or experience that is important to you

My experience as a member of my high school football team enabled me to discover personal qualities and values essential to creating a successful future for myself and others.

That first day on the practice field I was disappointed when I found out I would be an offensive lineman rather than a high profile player. But, to be honest, I was overweight, inexperienced and not really very impressive. I was sent to a corner of the field with several other overweight guys. I didn't know it at the time, but they would become my best friends and we would gain invaluable life experience together. In that hot summer of preseason training we began to grow more confident and proud of who we were. I became the leader of the linemen and we started to become a force to be reckoned with. We started to push beyond our "limits". We encouraged each other to get stronger, faster and be more determined. Our coaches began to notice.

It was a powerful feeling to be part of something for which I was willing to sacrifice. I learned how to step beyond by own limiting perception of myself as each one of us achieved new levels of accomplishment. We ignored the moments of questioning whether the gain would be worth the pain. We were a team. We didn't win many games and suffered a lot of heartbreaks together. But, we kept at it and knew it was still worth pursuing. It all paid off when we won our homecoming against our cross town rival. This was our first victory and it was an amazing feeling. It was worth our efforts and helped me become a better person mentally as well as physically.

Football taught me to be responsible for others as well as myself. It showed me I had something to contribute to a group and never to sell myself short. I now know that I can succeed and win. I can achieve my goals and motivate others to win as well. Through personal discipline and self determination I succeeded as a teammate and exceeded my own expectations. By the end of high school I was completely changed from the shy, chubby kid on the first day of practice. I will never forget the lessons learned and the friends I made on that field.

Hmmmm. This is an excellent topic and very unique since not a lot of individuals have gone through the hardships that you have faced.

"I went out and found myself a job working for a good company. I worked forty hours a week and made fairly good money for a teenager. As I worked this job I made new friends and learned a great amount of business. I found the inner-workings of the company to be fascinating. "

I personally think that added complexity to these sentences would help tremendously. Its generally said that a couple of complex sentences are great along with short bursts of short sentences. It really attracts the reader.

Combine the " I found the inner-workings of the company to be fascinating" sentence with the next sentence as it will add depth.
EX. I found the inner-workings of the company to be fascinating AS IT ALLOWED ME TO DISCOVER THE HARMONIC BASED VALUES OF LIFE ITSELF.... doesn't necessarily have to be structured like this. just an example.

GOOD LUCK!

Thanks Kobe Ill try that out!!!
also do you see anything which seems unnecessary or redundant that I could take out? because Im over my word limit a little. I would like to get it down to 600-650.

This is impressive introspection.

Comma and a dash:
Whatever the reason was, it led me on my own path and I was happy -- or so I thought.

I like your writing style.

I went back to high school and got my diploma. It felt great having my own purpose for college rather than following the norms of society. My college ... never justify depriving myself of the college experience at this point. This can be shortened and condensed. Some of it is not so important. I don't know why I put a line through it; I don't mean to suggest that you should cut this paragraph, but I think you should condense it.

Some of your sentences are really great: Since I could not find inspiration in my peaceful world, I created chaos and from the ashes I arose with a purpose of my own creation and a determination to achieve my goals.

My entire career as a football player was marred with defeat. ----oh, ha ha, this is funny, I'm sorry.

This was our first victory of my high school career and it was against our crosstown rival, it was an amazing feeling.

Football taught me about being a man, and how to fight for something that truly matters to you Be careful not to suggest that fighting for what is important to you is more characteristic of males than females.

I think the football essay has potential to become a great metaphor associated with your career, but right now it seems too simplistic! :-)