with my own ideas and hands
This is my essay for the common app; Im answering prompt #6. I don't have anyone to look over my essays so any comments or constructive criticism would be very helpful. Prompt: Describe a topic, idea, or concept you find so engaging that it makes you lose all track of time. Why does it captivate you? What or who do you turn to when you want to learn more?
It's Sunday morning and the whole family is upstairs watching football, but not me. I'm currently locked in my "workshop," otherwise know as my bedroom, with no sense of time. In front of me is the dark-stained table that is way too small for me, covered in sawdust, superglue stains, and a number of mechanical pieces that could have come from anything. Like most kids, I played sports, hung out with friends, and enjoyed video games. Most often, however, I would be in my room or the airless garage, designing and engineering projects of all sorts.
Looking back at old pictures, I realized that Legos were where my obsession with creating started. Since I can remember, my brother and I would be assembling sets from 60 to 6,000 pieces. Eventually, I strayed from the set instructions and began building sets of my own imagination, from candy machines to spaceships and everything in between.
After Legos, my interest in building truly commenced. I started to learn more about different materials and techniques. Utilizing wood, metal, and circuitry, I was able to advance many of my projects further than I thought possible. Some projects would take me days and even months and would require me to put in hours of work, but this didn't matter to me. As I put more and more time into my projects I would become more invested it to them, doing whatever I could to finish with a working final product instead of a pile of junk.
One project that consumed me for months was my take on a wooden hidden blade from a video game. This was by far the most complex and tedious project that I had attempted. Before I could start building, I blueprinted the internals and exterior of the blade. Looking through blogs, detailed screenshots, and official books, I was able to pull together enough information to construct a feasible design. I started off thinking that the assembly wouldn't be hard but I was soon met with numerous obstacles. The perfect alignment of all the moving pieces, the hours of shaping and sanding the inside mechanisms, and the tiny pieces, many times smaller than a toothpick, made me finishing nearly impossible. But the worst was the airless garage that caused me to swelter for hours on end. The constant cuts on fingers from the saw intensified from the sweat that seeped through all aggravated the lack of air often made me exasperated to the point of wanting to quit; though the worst came when the finished project failed to give even a slight sign of functioning.
I wanted to be done by this point, but I knew I had already put in too much time to move on. So I looked for help and eventually contacted a known YouTube creator that had a similar design. Through a back and forth on Facebook messages, I was able to incorporate some of his designs into my own and finish for once and for all. After countless hours, finishing this project made me realize why I love to invest hours into these builds. For each project, I start with nothing that resembles the final design, but by putting in the time and work I am able to create something with my own hands and ideas, giving me something tangible to look at, appreciate, and be proud of.
For me, creating something on my own without a set guide on how to do it, but instead with my own ideas and hands gives me a sense of accomplishment that does not come lightly. This process has led me to create my own YouTube channel and compete in engineering competitions that I never knew existed. Although I have learned a lot, and the information that I have acquired has helped me on my numerous ventures, I know for a fact that there is still much for me to learn, and this possibility of acquiring new information about what I love is what draws me back every time.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Hi Jay, Truth be told, your opening statement isn't strong enough to capture the attention of the reader. Neither does it directly respond to the prompt as it is expected to do so. You may want to consider a stronger statement that responds to the prompt while saying something about yourself at the onset. You could develop something similar to this for your opening statement:
Legos, wood, metal, circuitry, glue gun. I stare at these items on my construction table. Wondering what my prolific imagination will inspire me to build next. I lay the circuit board before me and pick up the soldering gun. I hear a soft hiss as it makes contact with the wiring on the circuit board... While my family enjoys Sunday morning football in the family room, I am tucked away in our garage workshop, about to get lost in a world of imaginative creation for the rest of the day. My focus is solely on the parts before me, a mess of items that, by the end of the day, will take on the shape and form of something inspired by the 6000 piece Lego model box, or a piece of machinery straight out of an engineering workbook. My family does not consider my habit of locking myself in a workshop all day tinkering with intricate electronic, plastic, and metal parts on a weekend strange. Even as I take a break to spend some time with them in the family room, they acknowledge who I truly am. A person who knows how to balance the rest of his life with his passion in life. I am a builder.
There is a distinct difference between what we each wrote. You are telling the reviewer about being a builder in a long, descriptive manner. What the essay needs, is a direct to the point, but creative and engaging narration. You need to respond to the question in your opening statement rather than dragging the response into your second paragraph. Concise responses are always appreciated.
Describe a topic you find so engaging...
I responded to that in the first paragraph in a manner that moves the story along. It is not just a description, it is a story that takes places within the screen.
Does this activity captivate you enough to make you lose track of time?
Start your response to this question in the second paragraph. Use the following reference from your essay to answer it:
For me, creating something on my own without a set guide... draws me back every time.
What or who do you turn to?
This portion is not well addressed in your essay. You speak of FB contacts and YT creators and channels. That is good, but not solid. You need to represent an inspirational figure who is some sort of mentor to you. For example. Does your father share your interest in this activity? Mention him as someone who helps you out sometimes. Maybe you can explain how you also approach your brother, since the two of you shared this interest at the start. You need a physical, rather than virtual, mentor figure in this instance.
The closing paragraph that you developed is strong enough. While it can be adjusted for impact, you first need to revise the portions of presentation I have indicated above. The strength of your improved responses should also result in a new take on your closing paragraph. Basically, there are only 3 prompts for discussion in the prompt so, if written properly, your final response should not be more than 4 paragraphs long.
