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"A crew of ambitious engineers" - UIUC application essay


aabb17 1 / 2  
Aug 18, 2010   #1
-Essay 1: In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals.

i am a international student from Taiwan, hopping someone could improve my essay!

I don't know how to draw; I don't know how to sculpt, yet I have a faith that by learning engineering I can also offer the world aesthetic creations that can alter not only alter the industries but our daily life.

Since I was still a kid lying in my mom's arms, I have showed great interest in the mechanic stuffs. I was fascinated by the machines that construct buildings, those wearing ironed coats in which bidding artistic souls. While most kids would be frightened by those robotic monsters, I regarded then as artisans like Danvinci without breath. They precisely constructed buildings, furnishing spirits to those icy structures. When I went to high school, I was enthusiastic about physics. Although most students consider Physics a catastrophic, I embrace it as I was born for it.

I love the world of physic where everything is so pure and simple. No friction and no resistance. With a pen and a piece of paper, you can extrapolate the whole universe. It's so profound that I can perceive the whole natural by understanding all the principles and formulas. Furthermore, I could exploit these principles to ameliorate our daily life even the industries. My favorite field of physics is mechanic which is the most fundamental yet abstruse. I also participated in the National High School Mechanics Competition. However, I didn't get into the final but I really devoted myself to this competition. I have finished the latest ten years' questions in order to practice. Although it turned out not as I had anticipated, I knew I'd done my best.

In 2008 spring, I was totally inspired by the movie, Iron man, stared by Robert Downey Jr. who acted the main character Tony Stark, a precocious genius graduated from MIT majoring in engineering at the age of 15. He is an icon of a super hero without any extraneous power. He became a super hero by his own hands instead of exaggerate super power. He could build up many incredible weapons like an artisan who sculpts aesthetic sculptures. This made me realized that I could implement my imagination to plausible invention by engineering. In the future, I want to assemble a crew of ambitious engineers who have same goal like I have--- offering the world efficient inventions that truly conciliate our daily life or even the industries.

391 words
cvani 3 / 29  
Aug 18, 2010   #2
Hi aabb17, i would like to post some comments on your essay.

Well you should never start with "I don't know". You may start with "I am not an artist nor I am a sculptor, yet I believe by studying engineering I can offer the world aesthetic creations that could not only alter the industries but our daily lives too." Since my childhood, I had been interested in mechanics. I was always fascinated by the machines that construct buildings, furnishing spirits to icy structures. During my high school, I embraced Physics as I knew I was born for it. I love the world of Physics where everything is simple and logical. With a pen and a piece of paper, I can extrapolate the whole universe. By understanding the principles and formulas of Physics, I can perceive the nature. I believe, I could exploit these principles to ameliorate our daily lives. Mechanics being my favorite field, I had participated in the National High School Mechanics Competition. Though I did not get into the final, I devoted myself to the competition and did my best.

When I watched the movie 'Iron Man', I was totally inspired by it. He is a true icon of a super hero who is self made without any extraneous power. He becomes a super hero using his own skills and talent. This made me realize that I could also implement my imagination to plausible inventions through engineering. My goal is to assemble a crew of ambitious engineers offering the world with efficient inventions that conciliate our daily lives or even the industries.

I tried writing it in a different way.. I'm not a pro either but i guess its better now.. what do u think? now if you have less than 300 words you cud add some bits here and there..
OP aabb17 1 / 2  
Aug 18, 2010   #3
hey man thank for revising my essay...
it is better now!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 19, 2010   #4
I don't know how to draw, and I don't know how to sculpt, yet I have a faith that by learning engineering I can also offer the world aesthetic creations that can alter not only alter the industries but our daily life. i crossed out this last part that is to obvious. Can you think of something to say that explains why you mention sculpting and drawing? What are you really trying to say?

Since I was still a kid lying in my mom's arms, I have showed great interest in the mechanic stuffs stuff. I was fascinated by ...

Da Vinci

Although most students consider the study of Physics a catastrophic proce ss, I embrace it as though I was born for it.

My favorite field of physics is (mechanic?) which is the most ...

Capitalize:
Iron Man stared by Robert Downey Jr. who acted the main character Tony Stark, a precocious genius graduated from MIT majoring in engineering at the age of 15. He is an icon of a super hero without any extraneous power. He became a super hero by his own hands instead of exaggerate super power. --- I don't think it is good to write about the film. I liked it, too... but your discussion of physics is so impressive, and i want the whole essay to be impressive! It is not helpful to talk about the movie.

:-)
OP aabb17 1 / 2  
Aug 22, 2010   #5
i thought writting about movies may impressed the committee...
then how about real scientist? like their alumni??
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 24, 2010   #6
real scientist? like their alumni??

Yes! Write about the scholars, the academic heroes of your field. Read some articles in a professional journal about your field of study.


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