UC Prompt 1 How Cross Country Changed My Life - becoming team captain

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspiration

Upon entering my freshman year I decided to join the cross country team which became a defining moment that shaped my high school career. My parents had always given me every opportunity and pushed me to try any sports I wanted to play, but after years of playing various sports I found I was never really competitive at because I was either not skilled enough or aggressive enough. I had never felt like I was part of a team mostly because I never really connected with my teammates due to attending a small private school. All of this changed once I went out for my first cross country practice.

When I joined cross country I was immediately welcomed by the other runners especially the upper classmen. Never before had I started a sport where new team members were so embraced. These people became my friends and are who pushed me to try harder in school and in running due to all of them being high achieving students and strong runners. My grades improved and were better than ever before making me feel more confident about school. I was pushed to take harder classes because I wanted to keep up with my friends. Never before had I excelled at a sport but in cross country I was able to qualify for the varsity team as a freshman and every year after that. I was pushed to try hard even spending my summers waking up early to run daily. I improved steadily eventually becoming the fastest senior and therefore the team captain.

Until cross country I had never found a sport that I truly enjoyed. I had never felt the desire to go to practices or compete. That was what was really different about cross country; I was excited every day to go to practice or to go to a meet. I loved racing to the point that I signed up for long distance races out of season. I found that running was something that I truly enjoyed and is something that I plan to continue for the rest of my life.

"but after years of playing various sports I found I was never really competitive at because I was either not skilled enough or aggressive enough..." Awkward wording. Try something like 'After years of playing an assortment of sports, I came to realize I was never passionate enough to every be competitive.' Just an idea.

Throughout the essay, you say "I" excessively. Try rewording sentences to make them flow more, and remove the use of "I." You also use very simple sentences, and vocab. Try incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and verbs (thesaurus.com is a great help!) and while you have a good story, you have to remember that the admissions read essays constantly, and this essay topic is often overused. Maybe think about finding a topic that's not as common.

I think you could improve your introduction and create a stronger hook for the reader. Also, overall I think there may be too strong an emphasis on your teammates rather than the actual sport of cross country. You structure the essay so that the focus of the essay is on the sport, but you mainly talked about how you were influenced by your teammates. I think you could either change your essay so it discusses how those new friends changed your life, or you could add more details about why you like the actual sport--And include the benefit of having nice teammates as one of your details. By this I mean, why do you like running? You say you excelled at it, but why do you like it? Is it the adrenaline rush? Did it make you feel healthy? Did it give you a sense of accomplishment?

Also, I didn't understand why you didn't connect to your previous teammates because you attended a small private school. I'd recommend elaborating on that a little more.

I'm applying to the UCs too! Deadline's approaching fast--Good luck! :)

I think that if you write more about how you as a person changed because of the sport, the essay would be more concise and effective.

The "college" people want to understand what kind of person they'll be accepting into their school, show them that :)
Other than than, well done:D