Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Again, a very rough draft... Any reviews are would be great! Thanks guys and have a Happy Thanksgiving :)
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Many people participate in activities that keep them grounded. Cross country has athletes pushing forward, swim has their own cutting through water. When I joined colorguard my sophomore year, I was given the chance to cut through air. Colorguard utilizes flags, rifles and sabres as extensions of their own bodies to fly through the air and come crashing down. Before this activity, I led a sedentary life, and when I first started, my entire being was overwhelmed. It was difficult, and my body was not used to the pain that I was forcing it to take. Mentally, my mind couldn't keep up with the high demand of focus that my team members expected of me. However, spending 10 months of the year with the same group of people who have the same goals and interests as you do, makes you a part of something bigger than yourself. I began to change, and I was no longer working for myself, but for the greater good of the program.
Due to the fact that I wasn't the greatest spinner, I had to work harder than all of the other members on the team. I remember hot summer days, sweat literally dripping off my chin, trying to get a toss around the right way. My right hand was convulsing due to exhaustion, and I was cussing up a storm, because I just could not do it correctly. I wasn't competing with anyone but myself, and I was thinking of what would happen to the team if I did not fulfill my personal responsibilities. When I finally did toss that perfect triple, quad, five... it was like a breath of fresh air, the most liberating feeling in the world. "Pushing through" is something we're told constantly. At 5 in the morning, at 9 at night, it is easy to complain about not wanting to be there. However, it takes maturity to look past your fatigue and continue what you do, simply because you love doing it. Personally, I believe it was these moments that meant the most to my growth in this activity. In these sessions of near-breakdown, I learned the values of perseverance and determination.
I'm glad that I can look back on those times and smile at how weak I was before. Weak in my technique and skills for colorguard, and weak mentally, physically, and emotionally for life in general. I now know, that if I can get through a seven-minute show, a three hour rehearsal, or a twelve-hour competition day with a smile on my face, I can do the same with life.
i really like your topic, it's very sincere and true. i like everything about this essay! i can't believe this is just a rough draft! it's really well written
thank you so much! but there's always room for improvement, right? hah a:)
Yes, there is always room for improvement.
FIRST PARAGRAPH.
Many people participate in activities that keep them grounded. Cross country has athletes pushing forwardcut through terrain , swim has their ownathletes cutting through water. When I joined colorguard my sophomore year, I was given the chance to cut through air.After joining Colorguard, I was able to cut through air.
I liked the essence of the beginning of your introduction and wanted to touch it up. However, I feel that your first paragraph can be much more concise. You can combine the ideas of the overwhelming physical and overwhelming mental demand into once sentence.
However,After spending 10 months of the year withthe samea group ofamong people who havewiththe same goals and interests similar to mine,as youdo , makes youI felt as though I were a part of something bigger than yourselfmyself . I began to change, and I was no longer working for myself, but for the greater good of the program.I began to work towards the greater good of the team rather than for personal advantage.
NEVER, EVER USE "YOU" IN THIS CONTEXT. EVER. EVER. EVER. EVER. (Sorry. It's just one of my pet peeves.) You are talking about YOURSELF (I), not the reader.
SECOND PARAGRAPH
Try to avoid "Due to the fact that." just say "Because."
Similarly, try to avoid "due to" just say "because of."
Saying that you were "cussing up a storm" won't really give the reader a great impression of you. It will seem as though you can't control your anger. Eliminate that phrase. Eliminate the phrase after that, too, because the reader already knows that you couldn't do it correctly.
I wasn'twas competing with anyoneno one but myself, and I was thinking ofabout what would happen to the team if I did not fulfill my personal responsibilities.
"Pushing through" is something we'rewe aretold constantly.constantly told to do.
Don't use contractions in personal statements.
At 5 in the morning, at 9 at night,Early in the morning and late at night, it is easy to complain about not wanting to bethere.fulfill a commitment.
Always make sure that when you use a vague word like "there," "there" is defined. In this case, it was not, so it had to be rewritten.
However,It is more difficult, though,it takes maturityto look past your fatigue andcontinue what you do, simply because you love doing it.
No need for a "however." Awkward sentence ending. There's that YOUR again... -____-
Personally, I believe it was these moments thatmeant thecontributed most to my growth in this activityColorguard. In these sessions of near-breakdown , I learned the values of perseverance and determination and I overcame the significant hardship of satisfactorily executing the challenging routines.
"Personally, I believe..." is a redundant phrase. It is also reminiscent of a speech a certain Miss Teen USA contestant from South Carolina gave. You should definitely look up the video on YouTube and get a few laughs from it. Anyway, NEVER use it. Please.
Oh and "In these sessions of near-breakdown..." is just awk. I don't even think those two words can be hyphenated...
THIRD PARAGRAPH
C'mon. Don't call yourself weak! Overcoming a hardship doesn't make your old self weak. By saying that you're basically saying that all new Colorguard members that do not know how to twirl are weak. Learning how to twirl just makes you stronger. Emphasis on the "-er." Speaking of stronger, create a stronger conclusion that provides the reader with a sense of closure and that further answers the question of "... how does this...relate to the person you are."
Great Essay but i don't think you should write that you were only working for "greater good of the program."
Maybe you can change it to " I began to change, and not only was Iwas no longer working for myself, but for the greater good of the program."
Oh wow you tore it up! Thank you so much! :D
