Hello there im having some trouble writing my Admission Essay and i was wondering if you could help out this is what i have. but im missing an introduction for the essay. fell free to do anything with it.
Thank you.
Have you ever been forced to change the way you lived. Imagine moving into a place where it's the complete opposite of where you lived before. Being forced to change your language, you're culture everything about you changed. I came from Cuba when I was a little boy and the culture here was just the difference of Cuba's culture. They were like the different poles. Cuba's culture is energetic and there were parties any day for any reason. We would cook Puerco asado which was roast pork every time we would throw a party in Cuba. People would always be dancing and enjoying themselves any way that they could. I remember parties were I would dance all night and have fun. But here there were rarely any parties and where I lived if the music was to loud the cops would be in your house in a matter of minutes. It was a big change for me; I went from a happy energetic little kid that was never shy of anything. To a little kid that was shy and never wanted to do anything fun. The culture's were just way to different one was energetic and festival and the other was to calm and boring. I learned a lot of things from Cuba's culture like how to dance merengue, salsa, and other Cuban dances. I know that living here really changes me, because arriving to a new country always changes people.
My history is the same as any small kid coming from another country. I came to the United States when I was seven years old. I came because my dad was granted a visa and we were able to come here. He decided to come for a better future for me and my little brother. Coming here was one of the hardest things that I had ever done in my life. Knowing that I could not see my family for who knows how long. I left all of my family and everything that I had liked in Cuba. Like the freedom that I had and all of my childhood friends and memories. In a country that ruled by a dictator there's not a lot of freedom. But I when you're a little kid in Cuba there's so much freedom. Me and my friends would go out around the town and climb trees and play all day until night without worry. But everything changed when I got to the United States, I felt like a prisoner. There was no freedom here you couldn't go out to the street because there were cars. You had to be in your house all day and you barely saw anyone in the streets. It was a hard change, I felt so misplaced like a needle in a hay stack. The language was so strange to me it felt like if I was in a different planet. I would listen to the people talk and ask myself what they are saying. The first couple of years were the worst; I hated the thought of living here. Every morning I would walk half a mile to get to the bus stop with my mother and little brother. We would take 3 buses to get to my mother work. Then I and my mom would walk to my little brother day care. Then she and I would walk all the way back so that her friend could take me to school. School wasn't the same as in Cuba the teachers weren't as strict as they were in Cuba. Some of the teacher talked Spanish so I could communicate with them some of the times. It wasn't easy I learned to be responsible at a very young age. I would stay home to take care of my little brother. I would be eleven or twelve years old in a house all alone with no adult to cook food or nothing. I learned how to cook and do a lot of thing in the time that I would stay home with my brother. I learned to do a lot of things when I was a young child and I think that it has influenced me a lot in the way that I'm with things. I like to be responsible and very prepared in life because my history influenced me to be responsible and prepared.
I grew up in a little town called Florida when I lived in Cuba. In that little town I lived with all of my family. Ever sense I was a little boy I liked to work hard. I would cut the grass with a hoe that my grandpa had made me when I was young. I would remember the days were the sun would be burning my back but I would still keep on working. If I wasn't cutting the grass I was feeding the chickens or doing something so that I could work. When I wasn't working I would be hanging out with my friend. We would play around in the park or just climb trees to get mangos or almendras. They were like these nuts in a shell that we would crack with hammers or rocks. Everyone in the town was nice even if you didn't know someone you could go up to a random house and ask for a glass of water and they would give it to you. When I got here to America everything change the environment was better than Cuba but it just something that made me happy. Here there was no work that I could do around the house and the kids in my neighborhood I could talk to because I didn't know English. The people here were just weird they were like robots you never saw anyone in the streets all you saw was cars. And they weren't as friendly as people from Cuba have you ever knocked in a random person's house and asked them for a glass of water. They would just look at you weird and say no maybe everything was just different you didn't know people that lived next to your house. For me my environment in Cuba taught me to be a hard-worker to not be lazy. To be dedicated in what I'm doing and also to be nice to people that I meet.
In conclusion my childhood was hard, adjusting to a new country, and learning a new language. I love my country even if it's ruled by a dictator that has made a lot of people suffer. I suffered a lot when I came here from Cuba, but it influenced me a little in the way that I am today. Cuba taught me to be hard working and dedicated to what I do in life. I learned to be responsible here taking care of my little brother. Coming here was a hard thing for me but like anyone else you adapt to new places.
You spend too much time talking about how difficult you found the adjustment from one culture to another, and not enough time talking about how you adjusted and what you learned. As a result, the essay seems a bit negative for an admissions essay.
so do you wat should i do like stop talking about the adjustment when i was coming here and talk about when i was adjusting here.
Have you ever been forced to change the way you lived?
Imagine moving into a place where it's the complete opposite of where you lived before. Being forced to change your language, you're culture, everything about you changed.
I came from Cuba when I was a little boy and the culture here seemed just the opposite of Cuba's culture.
It was a big change for me; I went from a happy energetic little kid that was never shy, to a kid that was shy and never wanted to do anything fun.
The culture's were just way to different.One was energetic and festive and the other was too calm and boring.
I know that living here really changed me, because arriving to a new country always changes people.
I started working on grammar, but I should wait until I see if you are going to take Sean up on his advice!
:)
thank you very much wat's ur opinion on the essay. wat do you think about it
Your essay should answer the question "How did my experience in moving from Cuba to here make me a better person?" Focus on answering that question in detail in your essay, and you should be able to come up with a solid second draft.
For the first essay, you might want to elaborate on this "Then on the other side I learned and was influenced by Americans culture" a bit more before submitting.
For the second essay, revise to make the tone more consistently formal. At the moment, certain phrases sound a bit too conversational. Worse, they tend to be irrelevant:
"I liked the idea of attending UCF." You probably liked the idea of solving murders and chasing ghosts when you were in elementary school, too.
"I also applied because I'm interested in a couple of the major . . ." "a couple of" is informal.
"I plan to learn a lot of thing's from being in UCF" Well of course you do: it's a university.
