Cubicle no 9: common app: Under which topic does this essay fits in

It's just my another essay,meant for commonapp!!
I'd be happy to c suggestions,comments...harsh also!!!( i won't mind :-) )
1.Is it too short?
2.what more ideas can i incorporate in here??

Cubicle no 9:

A small window, bland cracking walls with lots of graffiti, crooked door,2 large bunk beds ,4 steel lockers and 2 study tables; the physical description of the room which I had observed on the very first day of my hostel life. After 9 months the room was still alike except there was some weird and wonderful emotion attached with it. This room was a silent friend with whom I could shed my tears freely whenever I was homesick.;Silently;but audaciously; this room taught me lessons of life,values and helped me to be myself.

In this very room I learned to dance, read my first mills and boons, pulled up many all-nighters. While leaving the room, I could see other than just pale features of my cubicle. The small window was large enough to let rays of sun to give warmth;24 cement squares completed the floor of the room, the walls stood still but they spoke the language of strength. Most of all it was this very incident which bonded me with this room; It would have been any other Saturday noon if I hadn't remodeled my cubicle. I was alone and bored and I needed some work: As I looked from my the-inner-designer-eyes I found the room to be a bit crowded. And then I started my work; with my girly power I pushed all the lockers one by one as to place them on a row and the bunk bed were just adjacent to each other; the room now looked spacious as previously the scattered lockers occupied too much space.I was happy with my result and I was proud of it; anxiously waiting for my friends to return and see their expressions.I had some work wih my senior about my biology practials;so I had to leave the room,and it was not until 5pm I returned to muy room. As I entered the room; The room was just the same; all my hours of remodeling was gone; like "abracadabra" and whoshh!!!My three friends were just busy with their own jobs,they appeared to be . I was disheartened as they not only spoke with me but didn't cared to bring the topic,but later after supper I spoke my heart out.It was me against my dearest friends; me against the wrong,but I was wrong till that time,even if I did the right thing,I did it against the wish of my friends.The cubicle was not entirely of mine,my friends were also the part of it.My friends were not angry with me but with my action;it had hurt them.I was just being prejudiced on my own very thoughts that I forgot about my friends.After all,it was this cubicle who gave me message of friendship.

My friends might have become upset with me but they were doing to correct me. That evening might have been the tedious day but I now cherish that day and consider it one of the important days of my life along with my version of not-so-perfect cubicle no 9!!!

Now you tell me which one it fit. =D

Even after you have figured out, there is much work to be done to polish your essay.

First of all, there are a lot of ";" in your essay. Change all to either "," or ".".


"Wonderful" alone will be good enough.


Either one of the clause will be good enough.


Trying to be cute here yo? ;D


My friends were not angry with me but my action had hurt them.

I like the way you used the cubicle as a symbol for friendship, maybe elaborate a little further on the fun times you guys had in the cubicle?

G L~

I had some work wih with my senior about my biology practials practicals; so I had to leave the room,and it was not until 5pm that I returned to muy my room.

As I entered the room; The room was just the same; all my hours of remodeling (Tell the reader clearly what was gone... not 'hours of remodeling"... let the reader see images.) was gone; like "abracadabra" and whoshh

My three friends were just busy with their own jobs,they appeared to be .---- this sentence seems unclear.

I was disheartened as they did not speak with me and didn't care to bring up the topic,but later after supper I spoke my heart out.--- very good!!

It was me against my dearest friends; me against the wrong; I did the right thing, but I did it against the wishes of my friends.

After all,it was this cubicle who gave me message of friendship.--- I like this last sentence.

To make your writing clearer, always tell the reader only 1 thing at a time. Give a sentence to tell one thing, and then write more sentences so that it becomes a paragraph about that same thing. Every paragraph is about just one thing. That way, when you write a whole paragraph about one thing, the reader always understands you and appreciates your clarity.