Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 4

"cultural diverse background" -the environment you come from, MICHIGAN STATE


thestateofmark 1 / 1  
Mar 25, 2010   #1
Describe the environment you come from - for example, your family, community, or school - and how this environment has affected or influenced your plans for the future.

I come from a very cultural diverse background, my parents were both born in Romania and immigrated to America to escape the communist regime. I was born in America, I was taught Romanian before English, which I am very grateful for as it helps in learning other Latin based foreign languages. My parents always taught me to be very aware as the world is transforming very rapidly and the evolution of technology created a global medium where I am competing with not only my peers, but also other students across the globe.

What influenced my plans for the future the most was attending International Academy in Bloomfield Hills. The demography of the area I live right now is a high percentage of white with very little mixed races. I grew up with this "isolation" for most of my life and attending International Academy was a complete culture shock. I learned many things about different society's around the globe, but unfortunately I was not mature enough to realize how beneficial it actually was. With rigor of the school and my immaturity at the time I decided it would be best to attend my local high school.

I got caught up in my high school life and lost track of my priority's. As I matured a realized what mistakes I had made and reevaluated my long and short term goals. I set myself back on track and have once again started pursuing my main goal of obtaining a degree in Pharmacology.

My parents have always pushed me to be the best that I can be. There ideology is; the more money you have the happier you are, which I do not agree with. They never understood why I "wasted" so many hours volunteering when I could have worked for that amount of time and made over $900, its a unique feeling putting time and effort into helping people and not expecting compensation. You can't buy happiness, only earn it.

Also im applying to Michigan State University and I had a 2.35 GPA in high school, and am on my second semester at a community college with a 3.0 GPA. I got a 26 on my act and put in 125+hours of volunteering and have had over 6 jobs. Do you think I have a chance??
OP thestateofmark 1 / 1  
Mar 25, 2010   #2
My Family is mostly of Eastern European decent and immigrated to America to escape the communist regime. I was born in America, I was taught Romanian before English, which I am very grateful for as it helps in learning other Latin based foreign languages. My parents always taught me to be very aware as the world is transforming very rapidly and the evolution of technology created a global medium where I am competing with not only my peers, but also other students across the globe.

Attending International Academy gave me a sturdy backbone from which my future plans could germinate and grow. The demography of the area I live right now is a high percentage of white with very little mixed races. I grew up with this "isolation" for most of my life and attending International Academy was a complete culture shock. I learned many things about different society's around the globe, but unfortunately I was not mature enough to realize how beneficial it actually was. With rigor of the school and my immaturity at the time I decided it would be best to attend my local high school.

I got caught up in my high school life and lost track of my priority's. As I matured a realized what mistakes I had made and reevaluated my long and short term goals. I set myself back on track and have once again started pursuing my main goal of obtaining a degree in Pharmacology.

My parents have always pushed me to be the best that I can be. There ideology is; the more money you have the happier you are, which I do not agree with. They never understood why I "wasted" so many hours volunteering when I could have worked for that amount of time and made over $900, its a unique feeling putting time and effort into helping people and not expecting compensation. I believe the gentleness, ambition and drive that my parents have shown me is the greatest positive influence on my future. My ambition and determination will strengthen others, just as others have strengthened me.
Zhiyang 1 / 11  
Mar 26, 2010   #3
Erm...I live in Asia so I am not so faimiliar about the demographics of where you are living.

For the second paragraph, I would prefer you elaborate more on your 'isolation', such as the reason (racial?). Also, why do you say that attending the International Academy is a cultural shock?

Also what is the difference between your local high school and the International Academy that prompt you then to transfer there instead?
Upon reflection, what did you think you learned or would have learned from the exposure to a variety of culture?

Simply put, you are not elaborating enough on your cultural diverse background. You are only giving some lessons or actions you learned or took after experienceing it.(apart from the first 2 sentence, which I think was fine)

In the last paragraph, you said you disagreed with your parent's ideology, which is fine(I will elaborate more on it later), but you later said that your parents are the greatest positive influence on you. Either this is a paradox, which you did not explain or you just contradicted yourself.

Last but not least, you should not be so dismissal towards money. Whether you like it or not, you still need money for your necessities. You may not want alot of money, but you should still should not have the idea of working for free. This would show you, in my opinion, as a more realistic and mature person. (and not greedy as well?)

Since I do not understand your community(the place where you are living) very well, so my advice may not be relevant, but I do hope that what I gave you are of use to you. Also, since I think there are some things you need to change, with respect to your content in the second and last paragraph, I won't edit your grammar first. Hope to see your next draft!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 27, 2010   #4
The first paragraph of an essay should express an important message/idea... the main idea of the essay. Your first paragraph consists of 3 sentences, and they are all making different points. The trick is to start the paragraph with a sentence that refers to one theme, and then stick with that theme. What is the main idea of the whole essay? Whatever it is, introduce it with that first paragraph.

Look at the paragraph above. I structured it so that it would be an example of a paragraph that is all about one idea. The main idea is expressed in the first sentence.

I like your use of the term "sturdy backbone." That is a great image. However, if you write, "sturdy backbone from which my future plans could germinate and grow," it will be better if you replace "backbone" with a word that could refer to a plant..

Maybe like this:
...a healthy environment in which my future plans...

:-)


Home / Undergraduate / "cultural diverse background" -the environment you come from, MICHIGAN STATE