I plan on using this essay on my Stanford application I'm submitting NEXT WEEK. :O Is it too cheesy? I wanted to make it unique, which is why I took this route. Also, how's the formatting?
Prompt: "Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better."
Ever since I was a little girl, I have had a tremendous love for cupcakes. Baking them decorating them, sharing them, and of course, eating them. I hope you enjoy cupcakes as well, because I like to think of myself as one. Cupcakes and I have a lot in common as we are small, sweet, and most importantly, never fail to make people happy. Try to frown while eating a cupcake. It's impossible. The only difference between me and a cupcake is that you don't need to eat me in order for me to make you happy. Just being around me will suffice.
Whenever you're feeling down, I will do everything I can to "sprinkle" some joy on your life and "frost" a smile on your face. I am even willing to put on my cupcake costume and rap for you if necessary, which I must say has proved to be quite the crowd pleaser. Also, helping people is my favorite thing to do. So whenever you need anything, such as help on an assignment or even someone to do your laundry for you, I'll be happy to oblige. I love volunteering and strive to make a difference whenever and wherever I can. After I graduate from Stanford, I plan to join the Peace Corps so that I may really branch out to the entire world.
Also like a cupcake, I come in many flavors as I have varying interests. I adore chick flicks as I am a stereotypical girl who loves mushy romantic stuff, but I also enjoy action movies. I think music is the most special way to connect with my emotions, so I listen to all types depending on what mood I'm in or what I'm doing. I am also an avid shopper, but I still love hiking and camping in the wilderness from time to time. So, when you live with me, you don't have to worry about someone disagreeing with you about what movie to watch, your music being restricted to headphones, or not having someone hang out with. Whether you are mountain biking or getting a pedicure, I will be ecstatic to accompany you on any adventures you would like to have!
I can't wait to meet you and share the beginning of my Stanford experience with you as my first roommate. Let's make the best of it, share many adventures, and eat as many cupcakes as we possibly can. "You are what you eat," after all!
Tara "T Sprinkles" Davis
I am struggling with this essay as well right now (in fact all of them). Overall I think this works quite wonderfully, although I'm just like you and my opinion is hardly constructive.
Perhaps you could rearange the first sentence of the third paragraph e.g "I come in many flavors, just like a cupcake as I have varying interests" and maybe replace one of the "as I.." with
"since I.." to make it less repetitive.
Once again, this is just an opinion.
Carnegie Mellon Supp Essay --- Please critisize
From a very young age I had a knack for Physics and Mathematics. It stems from the fact that I have always been eager to understand nature. Reading books and watching educational shows like 'The Universe' always brings me closer to understanding the mysteries of nature but never really grasping the facts. If anything, they leave me puzzled with more questions. Great scientists like Albert Einstien, Dr. Abdus Salam, Sir Isaac Newton, and others are my ispiration. I wish to someday become like them, standing at the forefront of research in the fields of Physics and Mathematics.
Carnegie Mellon provides me with a great opportunity to achieve this dream. With its staff of highly qualified and renowned professors and excellent research facilities, Carnegie Mellon would give an experience not achievable anywhere else. Leading researches in the fields of Astrophysics and Quantum Theory, the department of physics is amongst the best in U.S. Thus my choice of Carnegie Mellon.