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'A curious and driven person' - U of I Application Essay


natrose19 1 / -  
Oct 9, 2011   #1
This essay needs to be 40 words shorter! Can anyone help me out with this? and/or give me feedback on my essay? Thanks!

Topic:

In an essay of 300 words or less, please describe how your past circumstances and experiences (such as your upbringing, community, and/or activities) impacted who you are, your future goals, and your choice of major. If you haven't decided on a college or major yet, briefly explain your intentions and aspirations for your first year at Illinois.

Essay:

If I were to choose two words to describe myself, I would choose curious and driven. The curiosity comes from my father, and being driven to succeed comes from my mother. Growing up and listening to the advice from my parents and following in their footsteps has not only affected who I am as a person, but it has also influenced my intentions of becoming a college student.

Ever since I was little I've been visiting my dad on his occasional business trips. From London to New York, the amount of new things I've learned and activities I've tried were abundant. He has always told me to keep my mind open to new things, which is why whenever I have a chance to try something out of the box, I go for it. Whether it's my curiosity to try a new food or my curiosity to join a new club at school, my desire for something different is inherited from my dad. On the other hand, I'm extremely driven and dedicated, this characteristic coming from my mother. Whether I almost gave up on learning how to bike ride or doing a school project, my mother was always there to tell me I need to stay focused and driven.

Not only am I a curious and driven person, I'm a curious and driven student. Being curious is a big part of the reason I would go into the University of Illinois undecided. I'm doing this not because I lack interests or passion but because I want to give myself room to grow and explore. College is a time of self-discovery. Therefore, going in undecided is the best option for me. I'm extremely driven to find out what I am capable of and unlike high school, to take classes that I want to take rather than only what I'm required to take. I believe that I can reach my full potential at the University of Illinois and express the attributes I'm most proud of -- curious and driven.
Arcaiz 1 / 1  
Oct 10, 2011   #2
Hi,

You can remove some details in your essay such as:
"From London to New York, the amount of new things I've learned and activities I've tried were abundant. "

You can also delete some redundancy about the origin of your curiosity and driven attitude:
"Whether it's my curiosity to try a new food or my curiosity to join a new club at school, my desire for something different is inherited from my dad "

"On the other hand, I'm extremely driven and dedicated, this characteristic coming from my mother. "

There is also grammatical error in your essay:
"Not only am I a curious and driven person, I'm also a curious and driven student."
"I'm extremely driven to find out what I am capable of and, unlike high school, taking classes that I want to take rather than what I'm required to take"

Overall, it's a good essay. They would be glad to have you as their student.
By the way, I need some review for my motivation letter here (essayforum.com/graduate-admission-4/need-help-motivation-letter-graduate-school-computer-science-31560/)

Thank you


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