BEING CURIOUS EVEN MORE. I am requesting help on my common app personal statement

Being curious even more

Most of us are born with an urge of knowing more; I was no different. In my childhood, I was very curious about the functioning of electronic devices, ranging from toys to remote controls. Although this passion led to the destruction of most devices earlier, it also increased my experience and knowledge throughout the years. By eleven, I could fix appliances with simple issues and was confident that there is no magic in how things work. In retrospect, that attitude of learning by experimentation cultivated a deep sense of curiosity that now defines who I am.

Though, that curiosity did not stop with electronic devices. After leaving elementary school for a boarding high school (one of the largest high school in Rwanda), I was pushed out of my comfort zone. I had to survive without my family, and I had to create new connections. This period of my life exposed me to new people, challenges and fears. I had to learn how to use my curiosity to figure out how this new world operated, and so I did. Being an avid reader inspired my writing skills and enabled me to become the leader of the high school's newspaper. As a leader and a writer for the newspaper, I published stories that were read by nearly fifteen hundred students. In addition, I challenged myself to enhance my interpersonal skills by being active in the non-violence high school club and by participating in debate contests. It didn't take very long until the high participation in my community earned me a co-host position at a local FM radio which allowed me to interact with an even bigger audience (the radio station was broadcasted in the southern province of Rwanda - more than two million people). All these experiences have shaped my personality and my character, and I always count on my strong curiosity to expand my horizons.

In my presence at a university, I do not plan to stop being curious but quite the opposite. I will interact with other students and learn about their experiences. Moreover, I will share about my country and Africa through my writing skills and debate skills that I developed as the leader of my high school's newspaper and a radio program co-host. In brief, I am confident that my unique background and sense of curiosity will allow me to be an asset to your university.

@aimuhire

"I had to survive without my family" sounds a little bit far fetched.. you probably want to make it sound more moderate

One of the largest high schools in Rwanda

remote controls -> remote controlled gadgets

being an avid reader inspired me~ -> Being an avid reader helped me improve my writing skills

In my presence at a university, I do not plan to stop being curious but quite the opposite.

You could also tone down the second paragraph a little bit and focus on a couple of events that inspired you and made you who are now instead of merely listing your accomplishments without explaining them or relating them to how they affected you.

thank you for the feedback,


would you suggest any rephrasing of this sentence?

I am going to rewrite the second paragraph!

Arsene, when you write a college personal statement, you have to prove to the reviewer that you have a passion for the course that you have chosen as your major. Use the personal statement to detail the development of your interest from the age of 11 onwards. Do not mention childhood devices from a time when you were simply playing with electronic toys. The essay will be best served if you can show the exact moment when you realized that you had developed an interest in your chosen major. By the way, did I miss something? It seems that you did not remember to mention your chosen college proper in the essay. You have to clearly mention that in the essay.

Ensure that this personal statement clearly depicts the development of your interest, your plans for your future after graduation, and most importantly, the reasons why you believe that this particular university can help you achieve your plans, goals, and ambitions. Bear in mind that there are so many universities that present the same major so your personal statement should share your personal reasons for opting for acceptance to this university. Make sure that you present the academic and social aspect of your interests in order to show the reviewer that you have a clear personal interest in attending the university.

As of now, your essay needs to focus more on the relevant information that is required for an effective personal statement. You are trying to present a lot of information, but not all of it is required in this statement. I realize that you are trying to introduce yourself to the reviewer but there are other common app prompts that you will have to complete which will better highlight the information you have presented at the moment. Save those non-essential information for the other app prompts. Focus this one on the personal side of your academic development for now.

@Holt
Thank you very much,
I am going to rewrite that essay.