Hi i just finished writing my short answer for usc today and I need someone to proof it! also i have been trying to come up with a creative way to end my essay. i wanted to relate it back to the whole "ice cream truck" thing but am having difficulty. Please let me know what I should fix and change up
Thanks:D
"What do you want to be when you grow up?" is a question that everyone is asked at some point in their life. When I was little, I loved ice cream. So my response to that question was "I want to own an ice cream truck so I can give all my friends free popsicles." Even at an early age I was intrigued with owning my own business. And although this was just a childhood fancy, I reflect back on it now and realize that all my life I was directed towards business. Whether I was selling lemonade or managing my childhood band, I was always the one to take initiative and promote, taking on the responsibility of a leader.
I have a deep fascination with art. I love using craft, design, imagination, vision, simplicity, and I love to explore my creativity. That is one part of my childhood that has stuck with me to this day. As a precocious eight year-old entrepreneur I opened an early childhood store which I used to manage in the second story of my grandparents house. Today, I have started my own online website to sell my handmade designs. I find that the more I know about anything, the closer I come to the realization that I know nothing. Despite this fact, I am most intrigued by the unknown, and strive to find its answers. I am a cageless artist wielding passion, as a weapon, against the norm. Yet I know that in order for me to develop my passion for art, specifically fashion, I need business as my foundation. It will serve as the main ingredients in my recipe.
Having one of the nation's best business programs, and being ranked no. 9 for US News,the University of Southern California's curriculum has won me over. I want to take my simple knowledge of business marketing and sophisticate it. As a private research university and being recognized as one of the nation's best undergraduate business schools, I know I will be able to develop my expertise in business marketing. At USC I can also take advantage of the vast and varied academic disciplines that are available. Participating in programs such as the Global Leadership Program or joining organizations such as the Fashion Industry Assoication shows how flexible I can be if I attend USC. Its prime location in Los Angeles and its strong networking community will offer me a greater opportunity to land internships and provide me with the hands on experience that I will need to succeed on my own. A degree is not only education, but also the college experience will expose me to a diversified way of thinking that will develop and strengthen my principles and morals. As I consistently demonstrate academic excellence, determination, and high personal standards, I feel that I will be fully prepared in every way to accomplish my goals in pursuing career in business at USC. With my strong leadership background, my volunteer work with Southern Californian American Marketing Association, and my ability to work well with others, I am confident that a career in business will be the best choice for me. USC will provide the foundation for a lifetime of learning and help pave the way for professional success in business and beyond.
I liked your essay, it is very interesting and your main point comes across well.
I have a few suggestions, along with some edits in your paper you may like to consider. Im not the right person to fix grammar though.
-Some parts are kinda wordy and sound awkward. Simpler is easier for a USC admissions officer who might be reading hundreds of applications.
-trying using transitions to flow more between your 3 paragraphs, by starting paragraph 2 with something that reflects your fascination with art to your trait of taking initiative.
-avoid saying things like "i have the qualities of a leader" say what those qualities are and "i know i will succeed/be amazing at this school" it gives the impression you take the college for granted
hope this helped i apologize if i came off harsh and thanks for reading my essay btw. good luck :)
