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"the custodian taught me about the world" - One who influenced me


niclarson 1 / 10  
Sep 2, 2011   #1
This is for the "person who influenced you" option on the common app. I feel like i may not have said enough about my influential person & I think the conclusion is pretty weak..

Encased in the thick air and dizzying summer heat of Washington DC, Tricia and I scoured the streets around the Capitol for the Hart building and an Aquafina vendor. Without a doubt, the two of us made an entertaining pair. Dysfunctional shoes had spotted our heels with so badly with blisters that we finally surrendered to the pain and liberated them, walking barefoot down Constitution Avenue in a disoriented search. Unable to decipher our electronic maps and late for our lecture on Islam and Al Qaeda, our youthful invincibility had suddenly been humbled to an overly dramatic quest for air-conditioning.

Not wanting to miss the lecture I had been anticipating since signing up for Georgetown summer school, I dragged an impatient Tricia into several cafes and a souvenir shop in search of directions before she made the suggestion I had been trying to avoid. "Let's sit for a while" she said, and practically collapsed on the nearest bench next to a capitol custodian on his lunch break. Momentarily giving in, I sat down across from them. The custodian, clearly curious, seemed to be assessing the scene before him in between bites of a sandwich. I joked with him; "It's better to get lost when it's cooler out". He nodded, smirking at our foolish story as I explained that we had wasted our free hour on the unofficial two-block tour. "We've missed the lecture by now," I said, noting the bitterness in my own voice. At that, he excitedly leaned forward in his seat and declared in a thick middle-eastern accent "I have read the Koran, the Bible and the Torah".

An immigrant from Oman, the custodian worked during the day and took classes at a local community college in the evening. Having deeply studied three religions on his own, he explained the similarities between Islam and Christianity, contrasting interpretations of the Koran, and Jihad's role in the 9/11 attacks. I began to question, to connect the pieces of history, to finally understand the political missteps, to pursue all that he knew. He was patient and passionate, his gestures grand like a professor in lecture and expressions full of compassion. Through his fascination with the world of ideas, I too became fascinated.

One might assume that to make a true impact on another several elements are required. It takes time to inspire people, one may say, you have to know them well. To inspire someone else, you must have done something extraordinary yourself. Under the shade of an oak tree on a humid summer day, I learned otherwise. Within an hour, I was inspired by an ordinary stranger who I never exchanged names with. He motivated me to search my surroundings for enlightenment in the most unconventional places. I began to speak to strangers on the metro during field trips, to wonder what perspective my taxi driver took on international affairs. More than anything, the custodian taught me that the world is made up of incredible people. Perhaps the most valuable knowledge is hidden in their stories.
danielladelucia 4 / 17  
Sep 2, 2011   #2
"spotted our heels with so badly" = bad grammer
This is the perfect essay! Wonderful! I wish I could write as good as you!
OP niclarson 1 / 10  
Sep 2, 2011   #3
can someone help me out with my conclusion? I feel like it's an inadequate ending, especially the last few sentences
admission2012 - / 477 90  
Sep 3, 2011   #4
Hello Nikki,

I think the second part of your essay, including your conclusion is great. Actually, I think its one most interesting I have read so far this admissions cycle. What I would suggest is that you CAN your entire intro. You may think that it sounds interesting, but it is cluttered with non-relevant details. Your attempt at conveying graphic imagery only muddles the real story being told here.

However, I really like the second part of your essay because of its PROFOUND SIMPLICITY. You talk about how this ordinary custodian had so much to tell. You should focus your entire essay on this. Keep the theme of simple yet profound throughout. Your journey throughout DC with your friend only detracts from this simple yet profound theme. -admissions essay advice
OP niclarson 1 / 10  
Sep 3, 2011   #5
Thank you so much admission2012! I have reworked it and completely agree with you, especially because the essay is meant to be about the custodian & his influence on me. I now have about 50 words to spare, and if possible would like to add more to my essay anywhere it is missing something. Where do you see a need? Is there anything unclear, any details I could add?

Encased in the thick air and dizzying summer heat of Washington DC, Tricia and I scoured the streets around the Capitol for the Hart building and an Aquafina vendor. Unable to decipher our electronic maps and late for our lecture on Islam and Al Qaeda, our youthful invincibility had suddenly been humbled to an overly dramatic quest for air-conditioning. Not wanting to miss the seminar I had been anticipating since signing up for Georgetown summer school, I dragged an impatient Tricia into several cafes and a souvenir shop in search of directions before she made the suggestion I had been trying to avoid. "Let's sit for a while" she said, and practically collapsed on the nearest bench next to a capitol custodian on his lunch break.

Momentarily giving in, I sat down across from them. The custodian, clearly curious, seemed to be assessing the scene before him in between bites of a sandwich. I joked with him; "It's better to get lost when it's cooler out". He nodded, smirking at our foolish story as I explained that we had wasted our free hour on the unofficial two-block tour. "We've missed the lecture by now," I said, noting the bitterness in my own voice. At that, he excitedly leaned forward in his seat and declared in a thick middle-eastern accent "I have read the Koran, the Bible and the Torah".

An immigrant from Oman, the custodian worked during the day and took classes at a local community college in the evening. Having deeply studied three religions on his own, he explained the similarities between Islam and Christianity, contrasting interpretations of the Koran, and Jihad's role in the 9/11 attacks. I began to question, to connect the pieces of history, to finally understand the political missteps, to pursue all that he knew. He was patient and passionate, his gestures grand like a professor in lecture and expressions full of compassion. Through his fascination with the world of ideas, I too became fascinated.

One might assume that to make a true impact on another several elements are required. It takes time to inspire people, one may say, you have to know them well. To inspire someone else, you must have done something extraordinary yourself. Under the shade of an oak tree on a humid summer day, I learned otherwise. Within an hour, I was inspired by an ordinary stranger who I never exchanged names with. He motivated me to search my surroundings for enlightenment in the most unconventional places. I began to speak to strangers on the metro during field trips, to wonder what perspective my taxi driver took on international affairs. More than anything, the custodian taught me that the world is made up of incredible people. Perhaps the most valuable knowledge is hidden in their stories.


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