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A custom question on academic and career goals, that received criticism

something411 1 / -  
Oct 14, 2018   #1
Describe your academic and career goals in the broad field of engineering (including computer science, industrial distribution, and engineering technology). What and/or who has influenced you either inside or outside the classroom that contributed to these goals?

This is the question that I have at hand. I have been told that I strayed away from the topic a little too much. Can someone help get back on track or should I comepletely strike it off and start anew.

The click of a button brings the world to your fingers. Is it in a fraction of a second, maybe even less than that. The question arises, "Is this Magic?". A person from the Medieval Age would think so. An engineer would laugh. Zeros, Ones and Silicon; that's all it takes to change the world. Visualising something from ground zero may not be the most favourite pastime of a random person. But, the ecstasy of turning problems into solutions, and solutions into reality is the soul of an Engineer.

My journey to the realm of Engineering probably began when my cousins gifted me a Mechanix Toy Set for my Ninth Birthday. The sheer joy of assembling screws, nuts, wires and miniature appliances with my tiny hands drove me crazy. Shortly after this, My Dad brought home a computer for the family. Watching my brother play on it and save his work in thin floppy disks made me ponder over the insides of the metal box capable of performing calculations in the fraction of seconds. I slowly bid my dream of being an Ice-cream taster goodbye as I set my eyes on becoming a modern day magician. Having experienced all of this I decided to major in Computer Science.

In life, each soul yearns for happiness. Different people have different ways of finding it. For me, taking things apart and uncovering their mysteries happen to give me preeminent joy and so I have ambitiously chosen this to be my future.
Abumahfuz 2 / 3 1  
Oct 15, 2018   #2
Try focusing also on your academic and career goals, What do you want you ave achieved and what you want to achieved in future. Try and explain much more better what as also inspire you to choose this field beyond the previous examples you have given above. good Luck
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,660 1998  
Oct 15, 2018   #3
Ali, your essay is so roundabout in responding to the prompt that you ended up giving a non-response to the essay. When asked who or what influenced you, pick one of the two, do not try to represent both because when you do that, you end up giving incomplete responses to the prompt. You should not be using such simple responses such as "my cousin gifted me with a Mechnix toy set for my 9th birthday." What kind of answer is that? Exactly is as laughable response that no reviewer is going to take seriously.

A proper response would be, "While the Mechanix Toy set I received on my 9th birthday introduced me to the world of Engineering, it was not until I came across the work of noted engineer XXX that I became set on my career path. He influenced my career choice because... It was because of him that I set my specific career goal as..."

You don't need all of the fluff that you speak of in this essay. Instead, clearly explain, from beginning to end how you were influenced into this career and what your professional goals have become because of it.

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