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CYCLING; UFlorida- Meaningful Experience


malvarez 2 / 2  
Oct 23, 2007   #1
This is my introductory paragraph, but I know it's missing something. Do you think you can help me find it. Thank you Melissa

prompt: In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.

My father is a full time parts manager at Braman Honda, yet he manages to squeeze in his daily activity: cycling. His daily routine consists of riding every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday at five o'clock in the morning and returning home at eleven o'clock in the morning. At the beginning, cycling was just an exercise to help lower his blood pressure; however, it has transformed into an obsession and a way of life. Furthermore, my father has knowledge of the dangers that come with cycling. The thought of losing a loved one had never crossed my mind until December 16, 2006. At that moment in time, I thought my world was about to end.

EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
Oct 24, 2007   #2
Greetings!

Eureka! (That's Greek for "I have found it!"). It's a great paragraph--but the sentences are in the wrong order! Begin the paragraph with "The thought of losing a loved one had never crossed my mind until December 16, 2006. At that moment in time, I thought my world was about to end. My father is a full time parts manager ..."

See if that doesn't kick it into gear for you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP malvarez 2 / 2  
Oct 29, 2007   #3
A final review and help on my concluding paragraph--UF

I was wondering fi you could give my essay a final review before submission and help fix my concluding paragraph. Thank You

The thought of losing a loved one had never crossed my mind; at least not until December 16, 2006 when my father was in a cycling accident. At that moment in time, I thought my world was about to end. My father is a full time parts manager at Braman Honda, yet he manages to squeeze in his daily activity: cycling. His daily routine consists of riding every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday at five o'clock in the morning and returning home at eleven o'clock in the morning. At the beginning, cycling was just an exercise to help lower his blood pressure; however, it has transformed into an obsession and a way of life.

It was beautiful sunny day and my father had gone on one of his usual routes, Country Walk. Back at home, my sister had left for her cheerleading competition, while my step mother was getting ready to wake me up; until she heard the house phone ring. My step mom received a call from one of my father's closets' riding friends, Willy, saying that my father had gotten into an accident and that they were transporting him to Baptist Emergency room. Another rider had cut off my father and hit his front wheel, making him flip over his bike. His helmet broke in three places and his sunglasses had cut him right underneath his eye. It was then when my step mother rushed to wake me up to tell me the news that my father had fallen off his bike and that we needed to get to the hospital. The amount of emotions that were running through my head were endless. In someway, I felt like I had to stay sane, for my step mother's sake and for my father's. All I wished for was that he was going to be okay and that the fall was not as bad as I picturing it. Once we arrived at the hospital, the site of my father in a hospital bed was heart breaking because to me he is my dad; the man who never gets hurt. Also, the fact that my father was in pain was just as painful for me to see.

**Luckily, my father is fully recovered and is still riding his bike till this day. The accident taught me not to regret life and to appreciate my family day by day. He also showed me that no matter how many times you fall off a bike, you get right back up and continue riding. It taught me never to give up and that injuries are only temporary. His accident will greatly benefit me at the University of Florida in more ways than one. It will contribute to my academics, within my inner determination to succeed. Likewise, it will show my passionate individuality, which will help me accomplish all my academic and career goals. ****-- missing something here and I need some help.


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