Hey guys! Please give me some feedback on my common app essay. Any technical/grammatical help would be great and also let me know if there's anything I can change to make it more meaningful/memorable/less cliche! Thank you!
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Broken language filled my ears. Deciphering the sounds was like simultaneously putting together 2 different puzzles. "Yakob! Vach up! Vere gohen on a trip," shouted my host sister. I appreciated the effort she made in our conversations, each one with a considerable amount of both English and German that I called "Germlish." I hauled myself off of the regal foam mattress, scrambled down to the family's pristine BMW, and drove off on a trip to God knows where with my German host family.
A trip it was; we arrived at Dachau, the first Nazi concentration camp in Germany. As we walked through the gates, it seemed that gravity took a hold of everyone in more ways than one. The gravity of the situation was immense and well-deserved, and it was hard to walk around the site without becoming weak at the knees. Nevertheless, the fatigue I felt that morning vanished. Every ounce of stress and confusion in my head decreased in size as it filled with my condolences. No number of words can describe the feelings that went through my head as I timidly wandered through the historical last resting place of so many discriminated peoples, considering the hopelessness that must have surrounded the residents. This history is something that nobody desires to talk about, but is important to be discussed; something that nobody wishes to see, but is vital to witness.
This experience provided an obvious melancholy feeling that left a bad taste in my mouth, but it was in the aftertaste where I had the signature moment of realization. I felt the stereotypical yet genuine awareness that my life had been tranquil and fortunate. My cherished time spent in Germany, visiting Dachau in particular, granted me a historical, cultural perspective on the world around me. My cultural awareness united with my newfound self-awareness to create a different breed of motivation. I took it as more than a wake-up call; I took it as inspiration to better the lives of those less privileged than me. I have always been a naturally driven person, but this experience drives me with a much better mile per gallon ratio. This is a principal factor that pushes me to work my hardest academically, volunteer, and strive for a career that will help the unfortunate.
The living conditions I walked through and the pictures I saw in Dachau will resonate in my head for the rest of my life. As unsettling as it was, though, it sparked an overdue realization that I am indeed lucky. Even though I may not have or be everything valued by society, I value myself and what I've been given. There is so much less worry holding me back so I can lunge myself forward into novel experiences. I left Dachau, my host family, and Germany as a changed person. I came home with an open mind, willing to indulge in every opportunity that allows me to enhance my community and that of others.
2 - two
a trip to God knows where with my German host family. - drove off on a trip, only God knew where my family was heading
A trip it was; - there is no need for this
in more ways than one- in ways that no one imagened
bad taste in my mouth- bitter taste in my mouth
than me - then I
strive for a career that will help the unfortunate- and helped me strive for a career that will help the unfortunate
in my head for the rest of my life- my my momery for the rest of my life.
great!!! good luck
