Hey Everyone,
I wrote these two essays to submit them to MIT.
Any comment is welcome, be it grammar, ideas or style-related.
Thanks in advance :)
-Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?
"I want to be an engineer. "
"You'll be an executive. 3 years in a French Grande Ecole, 2 years in a business school, and you can kiss goodbye your financial problems."
"But I want to be an engineer."
"You're lazy."
I don't know where Dad got this idea that aspiring to be an engineer is being lazy. I guess he has heard of computer programmers.
My father is the only person who has never ceased to believe in me. Even when my teachers didn't think I had talent, or when my friends laughed at me for my unorthodox ideas. What he has in mind for my future and how I picture my life do not meet, though.
As a great life mentor, Dad has taught me that ambition is free of charge, so it's okay to have too much of it.
"Fish swim against the current too, you know, and sometimes they reach where they want to be."
I cannot imagine myself disappointing him, after all the sacrifices he had to make so I could get the best of everything. But I know that he'll be proud of me if I draw my own path instead of following the one he has sketched for me since I was a 1st grader, dreaming to become a fiery astronaut, much like the Apollo 11 team, whose tales he told me by way of bedtime stories.
-Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?
« Charlie Golf to Tower, I have a student ready for solo »
I beg your pardon? Is my instructor going to let me fly the plane alone, after a mere 14 hours of flight training? I don't know if I should scream of happiness, or crumble of anxiety.
"Charlie Golf, hold short of runway 03, we have a VIP ready for departure"
My heart is pounding, I feel damp. It's warm. I guess it's perfectly normal for a summer morning.
I recall my first flight. I had to step out of my comfort zone, try something new, and no matter the outcome, stick to it. I cannot imagine what my life would be like if I hadn't swallowed my eternal fear of heights that day, and although every atom in me told me not to, installed myself in the cockpit, ready for the ride of a lifetime. And now I'm going to have to do it again, alone. What if I'm not as good as I thought? This is not the best time for these thoughts to cross my mind. I can't back down, not after all that I have been through. I can do this.
"Charlie Golf cleared for takeoff, report downwind."
"Charlie Golf cleared for takeoff, will report downwind."
Here it goes, full power, 55 knots, lift off...
This is one of the most innovative techniques I have seen on this website; however, since you use it in both essays, it seems rather mundane.
not to, I installed myself in the cockpit,
Other than this, I don't see any grammatical error at this point.
Good Luck.
Well I didn't think it would be the same, because on the second essay, I'm trying to convey what's happening in my mind, where as on the first one, I wanted to insert a narrative introduction before talking about my relationship to my father and how it has shaped my dreams.
also, about the ", I installed myself in the cockpit," , I thought I could omit the "I" , because it's essentially the same as "I hadn't swallowed and installed".Or should I rephrase that part?
THank you for your advice :)
yes, you should put "I" because although you use "I" in "I hadn't swallowed my eternal fear of heights that day," you also use the preposition and, which starts a new idea. Because of this, the noun of the second part of your sentence became atom instead of "I". If you don't put "I", you would be implying that the atom "installed myself in the cockpit" and that would not make any sense at all.
Again, be careful about using too many commas because it can become quite confusing!
P.S.: What I meant by the redundant technique was the use of quotes. Althout it is an interesting way to engage the reader, you should not overdo it, especially since there would be a lot of essays for the AdCom to read. Even though they are written by the same person, which in this case is you, each of them should have its own pizzazz.
