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'My dad was coming for me - Family experience; What Lies Behind the Curtain

aznramyunboi 1 / -  
Nov 8, 2011   #1
I wanted some general critique on my essay. I wanted to know if the content and the idea is strong and compelling as a college essay, and I wanted to know if I should keep the first three paragraphs. How does the first three paragraphs help the essay, and if i choose to not include it, how will it be detrimental/helpful? Thank you in advance.

A) Discuss how your family's experience or cultural history enriched you or presented you with opportunities or challenges in pursuing your educational goals.

I lay like a log on the leather couch in the living room, staring at the television. My deathly cold hands pressed the sensitive trigger of the controller, while my ears were filled with gun shots and explosions. What felt like minutes, was actually an hour, until the wakeup call of the familiar sound of my dad's heavy footsteps grew near. My hands fumbled with the controller as I tried to place my character in a safe spot. I knew from the moment the hardwood stairs creaked that my dad was coming for me.

He emerged from the dark hallway with an upset and serious facial expression. "Hey, can you pause that for a second?", he asked. I nodded with submission. I prayed to god that this "conversation", a period of time where one of my parents goes on about some life lesson, was going to turn out to be the short version. They can last 45 seconds to 15 minutes, compared to the long ones that are 20 minute to an excruciating hour and a half, the whole package deal. However, whether it be 30 seconds or an hour, the length of the conversation doesn't change what they will tell me; my parents go on about trying hard at school and doing well for the family's sake.

This time, I got pretty lucky. It lasted only five minutes, but he was like a never-ending fire alarm. He included his trademark phrase, "you are born and raised in this country and speak fluent English, man, you have a lot more chances in life than I did". My fried brain didn't stand a chance against his analytical sentences. The words flowed in one ear and came out a jumbled mess through the other. I didn't understand what he meant until I sat down, on my own time, and processed all the information.

More recently, I developed a greater understanding of the meanings that he tried to convey all these years. I may have had a moment or two where I reflected upon my actions, but it was never life-changing, until now. I realize that my dad places many of his unaccomplished dreams on my shoulders. He reminds me of the chances he never had, so that I can achieve greater things whole-heartedly and reach my maximum potential. His words now seem more humbling than ever, because I finally came to the realization of where my father stands.

The determination and the passion that he possesses has assimilated into me, and all those hope and dreams rest upon my shoulders now, not his. This mindset has made me take my life very seriously and with consideration to every outcome. His voice resonates in my head, telling me to push on through the challenges ahead of me, and to always keep my head up. I am challenged everyday to strive as much as how my father had.

He taught me to take initiative and to never let go of a dream, and to take risks for the sake of a better future. Because of him, I realized that I am capable more things than I thought. And most importantly, I learned that I am myself; I don't achieve great things just because of the responsibility bestowed upon me, education also means something unique to me. Education is my individuality, it is my pride, and it is my own dream that I have created for myself. My education is something that is mine alone.
lilmizzlj 1 / 2  
Nov 10, 2011   #2
You should keep the first three paragraphs, you had me gripped I wanted to keep reading to see where you were taking it. Grabbing your readers attention and keeping it in any piece of writing is the main key. You're very good when it comes to using description and setting. The content is strong I like the idea, many people can relate to this in their own life. Good job.

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