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"My dad's health struggles" + "Mathletes" - Common App Essays and Short Response


JorEssay123 1 / 1  
Dec 18, 2010   #1
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

About 2 years ago my dad was diagnosed with having extremely high LDL cholesterol. His cholesterol level was at about 400 mg/dL of blood. It was so high that my dad could have gotten a heart attack at any moment. Even though my dad is very strong, he could not do simple errands because of the pain he was in, and I was unable to help at some points because it was only things he could do. This may have been my dad's problem, but it was also my whole families, and we were all going to support him so he could get better.

With my dad having a high risk of getting a heart disease or a heart attack, I became more paranoid that something worse might happen. There were some nights that I would wake up in the middle of the night because I would have had nightmares that something had happened to my dad. I could not deal with losing my dad, and I hoped that I would never have to deal with the pain he had. Just seeing his pain was pain to me.

My dad decided to start becoming a lot healthier by starting to eat better food and exercise a lot more. He made a commitment to become healthier, and we, as a family supported him by helping him out. We changed the milk that we all drank, we joined the YMCA together, and started working out by swimming about a dozen laps back and forth. Within a few months my dad had dropped his LDL cholesterol level from about 400mg/dL to about 100mg/dL and was able to rise his HDL cholesterol level, the good cholesterol.

Seeing my dad struggle with his health influenced me to become healthier and stronger. After that I started working out and eating healthier. I began swimming more often and I started running a mile every other day. I also stopped eating fast food so much, and eating late, I also stopped drinking soda, and started to drink water and juice in replace. All these changes made me become healthier. I dropped my weight from 160 pounds to 130 pounds, to what I am now. Because I eat and drink healthier, I don't even get sick much anymore and I'm now in a healthy state because of my dad's influence through his health.

All that had happened made me realize that anything can be fixed and made better, if you put willpower into it. My dad being sick, was the problem that needed to be "fixed" and his determination to be healthy improved him in his overall health. His determination was passed onto me, today I am more determined in staying healthy, but not just that, I am determined in everything else as well, school, relationships, activities, and everything I am involved in.

Determination and commitment, what allowed me to overcome anything and accomplish everything. Since my dad got better, I became more determined in everything I was and am in now. In school, my grades rose and I started taking more challenging classes, including AP Calculus and AP Biology. My relationships with everyone improved as well, I've always had good relationships with everyone, but because of my dad being sick I became more determined to be closer with everyone I know, and care about them more than before. As for activities I was a lot more committed to them than previous years. In math club for example, I became the secretary of the club and helped run it. In Mathletes, I decided to keep doing it, and have now been in it for all four years of high school. As for other clubs that I joined later on like National Honor Society, I would still be committed to them. Today I am currently the most active member in National Honor Society by having done the most community service and helping out throughout our town, like helping out in the 2010 Cicero Haunted House. Overall my dad had a positive impact on me, by making me more determined and committed, but also on my lifestyle by making me healthier.

Briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer, 1000 character maximum)

Mathletes is an academic club that competes in math with other schools throughout our area in various competitions, that include different categories. Those categories include in algebra, advance algebra, geometry, pre-calculus, and calculus, we would be placed in the a certain category based on the level of math we were taking in school . We would meet two times a week, usually Tuesdays and Fridays afterschool to practice. For practice we would take tests from previous competitions so we would know what we might be asked. After taking the tests we would go over them with our Math Coach, and each member would try to answer a problem so we can better understand how to solve the problems. During the competitions most of us, the members, would be in the single competition where we just take a test for about an hour and try to get as many right as possible. Other members would be placed in either teams of 8, freshman with sophomore, and juniors with seniors, they would all work together for about 35 minutes trying to solve 20 questions that included anything from algebra to calculus. In the end the top 10 winners from the singles competitions would be announced, flowing then by the top teams who got the most correct answers.

Im over the limit on the short response about the extracurricular activity, is that a problem?
donkeykong98732 /  
Dec 18, 2010   #2
Hey I liked your essays!

I'm not going to go into the small stuff.. but rather give you suggestion overall for your influence essay. It feels as though you're just listing the accomplishments that have come about from your dad being sick. Why not your future aspirations that came out of your experience from your dad being sick? What you want to do because of your dad's sickness. Dreams to change other people's lives and stuff. I don't know.. that's just my thoughts on this. Going over the limit is ALWAYS a problem. Always stay on the mark, or about 50 words below MAX. Your EC essay is not bad.. but again.. you're just listing what you did there. Talk about how it influenced you, what specifically about it you liked, and the things you got out of it. Don't go with just the superficial things you got out of it. Try to go a little deeper.. because colleges look for wise kids [; Best of luck and don't give up!
kahadi 1 / 6  
Dec 18, 2010   #3
About 2 years ago, my dad was diagnosed with having extremely high LDL cholesterol. His cholesterol level was at about 400 mg/dL of blood. It was so high that my dadhe could have gotten a heart attack at any moment. As a strong man as my dad used to be, now he was unable to perform simple routine tasks, and he could no longer Even though my dad is very strong, he could not do simple errands because of the pain he was in, and I was unable to help at some points because it was only things he could do. . I it was here that his problem became our family problem. After all, he was our dad and we wanted to support him to feel better.This may have been my dad's problem, but it was also my whole families, and we were all going to support him so he could get better.

Try to replace "my dad" with the pronoun "He" where it is possible. You are using "my dad" more than it is necessary throughout your essay.
OP JorEssay123 1 / 1  
Dec 18, 2010   #4
Hey I liked your essays!

I'm not going to go into the small stuff.. but rather give you suggestion overall for your influence essay. It feels as though you're just listing the accomplishments that have come about from your dad being sick. Why not your future aspirations that came out of your experience from your dad being sick? What you want to do because of your dad's sickness. Dreams to change other people's lives and stuff. I don't know.. that's just my thoughts on this. Going over the limit is ALWAYS a problem. Always stay on the mark, or about 50 words below MAX. Your EC essay is not bad.. but again.. you're just listing what you did there. Talk about how it influenced you, what specifically about it you liked, and the things you got out of it. Don't go with just the superficial things you got out of it. Try to go a little deeper.. because colleges look for wise kids [; Best of luck and don't give up!

The problem is that I dont have single clue what I want to do when Im older, that's why I didn't write anything about the future.

About 2 years ago, my dad was diagnosed with having extremely high LDL cholesterol. His cholesterol level was at about 400 mg/dL of blood. It was so high that my dad he could have gotten a heart attack at any moment. As a strong man as my dad used to be, now he was unable to perform simple routine tasks, and he could no longer Even though my dad is very strong, he could not do simple errands because of the pain he was in, and I was unable to help at some points because it was only things he could do.. I it was here that his problem became our family problem. After all, he was our dad and we wanted to support him to feel better.This may have been my dad's problem, but it was also my whole families, and we were all going to support him so he could get better.

Try to replace "my dad" with the pronoun "He" where it is possible. You are using "my dad" more than it is necessary throughout your essay.

Thank You for the advice, I'll make sure to do this.
donrocks 5 / 120  
Dec 20, 2010   #5
Jorge, its not enough to say I haven't figured out what I want to do? Honestly then college would like prefer some one over you who is more sorted out and ready. Please figure out IMMEDIATELY.

This is the most important decision of your life.
Your essay also is not your admission essay. It looks like its your father's essay which shows his struggle and his achievement. Last para, you come in with your punch about "you". This should be squeezed in one para of your whole personal essay/statement.

Consider a kid with mention of journals, camps, research, wit and so on...
and your essay.
This is an admission essay where you must assume that person you are competing is better than you.
Right, enough of criticism... I would like a witty opening like something that reflects your reflects your personality. I wrote few months back in my essay on how I am a geek and every college needs all sort to have a complete diverse community. I wrote it to bring a smile on essay reviewer face and make him more attentive towards my essay. HAVE AN INTRO THAT REFLECTS YOU.

Need to talk about your major and don't fake it. They'll catch you. You must write why you want to do that particular major and also why from this particular university. I read a guy's essay and was highly impressed how he said that I have been researching on this Project in Bio and how this particular univ. specializes in this field.... you know he linked the college to himself. You need to something like that to.

Talk about some of your passions apart from education. Here's where the father, struggle and all determination para can come in. Link all these factors and conclude the whole essay in an informal and positive manner that they must want to meet you.

Hope this helps....


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