Constructive criticism much appreciated
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
My dad has always had this personal history of how he escaped from communist Bulgaria that really influenced the idea that if you have the balls to accomplish something, then it will be accomplished. That sort of mindset stuck to me ever since he told me his story.
It was Christmas Eve during my 9th grade year when all of my dad's friends asked my dad to tell them his story of how he escaped from Bulgaria. We were all sitting around a big table that was topped with a large turkey dinner, couscous, and mushroom soup. The fireplace near the table displayed a warm and homey ambience around the room. My dad took a spoonful of his soup and drank it down and started to tell his story.
My dad was only 18 when he knew it was time to escape. It was a dark and cold evening. The atmosphere was silent and all you could hear was nothing but cricket chirps and the occasional sounds by the farm animals. Around midnight my dad climbed onto a large truck that carried farm animals and hid under the tarp. It was from there after 2 straight days of hiding in the large truck when my dad finally crossed the border. After reaching Italy my dad changed his last name to Fendi to change his identity as an Italian. After a long series of immigration camps, my dad finally reached the U.S.
My dad's history played a huge influence on my life. It wasn't just the history itself though, but the moral that went along with it. No matter what, if you put your mind to it, anything can be accomplished. Throughout most of my childhood before high school, I never took my dad seriously as much. I just viewed him as my dad and nothing more. He would occasionally tell me to do my homework or do my chores but I usually rebelled and in turn he would make sure that I completed what I had to do by either yelling or intimidation. However after I learned about what he really went through on that Christmas Eve, I had grown a lot of respect for him and I slowly started to rebel less and started to do things on my own. I used to depend on my mom and dad telling me when do to my homework or when to do my chores. Now I started to learn that it's really my responsibility to complete what needs to be done and if I set a goal I would finish it. I would always look back to what my dad went through to know that anything can be accomplished if you push yourself to accomplish it.
For example, I remember 1 incident when my dad took my laptop away back when I was in 10th grade because I was busy using it until midnight playing a few computer games. He told me that the only way to get my laptop back was to prove that I was a hard worker. Back then my laptop really was my life, I did everything on it. However I was determined to get my laptop back so instead of arguing with my dad, I decided to really prove I was determined to show I really was a hard worker. Following that incident, every morning I would wake up and tend his entire garden everyday, feed the chickens, dogs, and sheep, and clean the entire house room by room until it was spotless. My dad honestly thought I wouldn't last but after an entire week of deeds, my dad was amazed. He really was persuaded that I really would do what needs to be done to accomplish a goal. Without hesitation he patted my shoulder, gave my laptop back, and told me "I deserved it." I smiled and felt a sense of pride and accomplishment. Ever since that incident I learned something about myself that I never really knew before. I was willing to do anything if I wanted it badly enough. As a result, I decided to set a goal and get the grades I needed to go to college.
My biggest goal is going to college to get a good education and give back to my dad for what he did for me. My dad really did give me an invaluable opportunity that I knew I shouldn't waste. If my dad can defeat the odds and escape from a communist country, live on his own at the age of 18 without any money, and finally get across the country to America, then I can get the grades, go to college and get a good college education if I really work and try hard enough. And I know through past experiences that if I set a goal for myself, I will reach it through hard work and discipline.
My dad taught me the importance of tolerance, hard work, perseverance, and determination. With these very important attributes, I know for certain that I can pursue my goals and aspirations that will help me reach a good career and create a better life for my family and myself.
In the interest of 'keeping it crisp,' I think you might want to literally start with your father's story. As a quote, if you like!
Let the details unravel in his perspective, in his words, and create a sense of mystery that keeps your reader engaged. Currently, your essay positions you and the reader as a passive participant--and I think that if you actually put the reader at the dinner table, you'll get their attention.
Because your father's story is so unique, it will be difficult to place where he is from, but, this is part of the fun! As your essay moves forward, you can clarify context and details.
On a mechanical level, I would suggest that you try to keep the prose a little more formal throughout your essay. "Have the balls to accomplish something" is a little much for an academic institution application (though colorful, I must admit), and I would limit contractions and elevate word choice (find synonyms for 'good' and 'get.')
Nice work--you're on the right track!!!
Cheers,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing
