what my dad has been preparing me for my whole life - UC prompt 1

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

After seventeen years I begin to see what my dad has been preparing me for my whole life. To be an independent woman who can succeed and achieve her goals. My father has always been my idealistic role model. He is an intelligent man as well as a hard working person. No matter what mistakes I have made in life he has always been there to help me and correct my wrongs. He wants the best life for me, the one that he strived for but because of his conditions as a foreigner could not accomplish. My father has definitely given me the ability to strive for the best and aspired me to have a positive outlook in life.

Beginning about twenty years ago my father moved to the United States in search of reaching the American Dream; to succeed and strive for his goals. As a hard worker he had many jobs in order to earn enough money to live a calm life. Two years after he moved he met my mother and soon after I was born. In order to gain enough money to raise me, my father had to work two jobs and he rarely ever got enough rest. Soon enough my mom got pregnant again and sadly at the same time my dad lost his job. This is when times got rough and we all had to pick up card board boxes in order to earn a couple of dollars to pay our rent. Luckily a couple of months after he was able to get a stable job and help my family and me earn a living. Fifteen years after I find myself having to succeed in life and I am aiming for the highest to make my father happy. All his fighting and restless nights was so I could attend school and become a smart young lady. Now that I have reached the time to apply for colleges I remember my dads words "never give up" and so I will not. I will make him as well as myself proud and will succeed and earn the life as well as career that he never could. I will definitely fight and strive for a perfect life and it is all thanks to my father.

This essay is going to make your father very happy. I hope you will show it to him! Here are my corrections. Good luck,

Kevin

After seventeen years, I began to see what my dad has been preparing me for throughout my whole life: To be an independent woman who can succeed and achieve her goals. My father has always been my idealistic role model. He is an intelligent man as well as a hard working person. No matter what mistakes I have made in life, he has always been there to help me and correct my wrongs. He wants the best life for me, the life toward which he strove but, because of his conditions as a foreigner, he had not actualized for himself. My father has definitely given me the ability to achieve the best and inspired me to keep a positive outlook in life.

Twenty years ago my father moved to the United States in search of reaching the American Dream; to succeed and achieve his goals. As a hard worker he had many jobs in order to earn enough money to live a calm life. Two years after he moved he met my mother and soon after I was born. In order to gain enough money to raise me, my father had to work two jobs and he rarely ever got enough rest. Soon enough my mom got pregnant again and sadly at the same time my dad lost his job. This is when times got rough and we all had to pick up card board boxes in order to earn a couple of dollars to pay our rent. Luckily, a couple of months later he was able to get a stable job and help my family and me earn a living.

Fifteen years later, I find myself having to succeed in life and I am aiming for the highest to make my father happy. All his fighting and restless nights was intended to enable me to attend school and become a smart young lady. Now that I have reached the time to apply for colleges I remember my dads words "never give up" and so I will not. I will make him as well as myself proud and will succeed and earn the life as well as career that he never could. I will definitely fight and strive for a perfect life, and it is all thanks to my father.

thankyou I would like to know which one you guys think is better the one on top or this one?

I find myself having to think of one special occasion in which my father has shaped my dreams and aspirations but I just cannot. It's not because there have not been any moments but quite the opposite. His whole life has shaped my dreams. Seeing my father's dedication to his job, marriage and family has pushed me to be the person that I am. Someone who pursues their dreams, strives for the best and never gives up.

Ever since my father moved to the United States from Mexico he has been working extremely hard to make a living. Once I was born he had to work two jobs in order to support my mother and me. Ever since that moment I have been able to see the dedication in his eyes. He always works extra hours and even on holidays in order to raise more money for the family's necessities. Five years ago he settled in his job as an electrician. In this job he found himself having to take the state exam which he must pass in order to receive his electrician's license. He was able to pass it but what shocked me was his strive and dedication that he had for his work. I knew I wanted to be like him; a hard worker and someone who aims for something and reaches it. I want to be a person who will not give up when an obstacle comes between my career and me because if I really care for something I will reach it. It isn't simply that which I want though it is also that persistence that he is able to keep between his job and his family. He is capable of maintaining a stable house as well as a good job. My father has done an exemplary job at raising me and creating many positive characteristics for me.

My dad has simply been more than a dad to me; he has been one of the greatest influences in my life. He has taught me right from wrong and one day I dream to be like him; an intelligent person with the career that I strived for. I want to be the F.B.I. agent that my dad couldn't be because of his conditions. Through his work and efforts my dad has taught me to keep working on the things that I want and to always continue ahead no matter what obstacles are in my path.

I'm not so sure i answer the prompt or does it seem as if I focus too much on my father and not myself on both essays?

thanks!