"my dad is Superman" - about someone who has made an impact on your life

This is my first essay and I need criticism and revision help, please!

I guess you could say that my dad is Superman.
But I don't mean that in a Clark Kent, leap-tall-buildings-i-a-single-bound way. He doesn't have super strength, he can't melt things with his pupils, fly, or see through walls (though I'm pretty sure he has eyes in the back of his head). No, my dad is superhuman in ways much more amazing than that.

He's the constant rock in my life. He's the man who'd bought me my first bike and spent hours on end teaching me how to ride, the man who pick me up and carry me inside when I fell asleep on car rides, the man who'd point to this little ugly duckling and declare proudly, "That's my daughter".

My dad is my hero, not just because of the sacrifices he's made for me, but because he's shaped who I am. How I walk, how I talk, how I carry myself overall. My dad always told me "You gotta walk with dignity! Speak with a purpose! You know why, Monster? Because your'e a Washington! We're a poor but proud people." I remember at thirteen years old this sounded like a whole lot to do. Walk with dignity? Talk with purpose? Did that mean not using slang and keeping your back straight and gut in? But looking at my dad, with his salt and pepper beard and laugh lines, I knew what he meant: carry yourself like you're somebody so others will know that you're somebody, too. I knew my dad had always wanted to give the best to me and my siblings because he'd never had a chance when he was a boy. Growing up in a low-class family in the south in the 1950s, "easy living" isn't exactly the word you'd use to describe my dad's boyhood. He and his brothers lived out in the country out in the deep in the south. Racism and poverty plagued his childhood and most of his teenhood.

But throughout all the hardships, he's never given up and that reason, among many other, is why my dad is so important to me. I look at that old man, at my old man, and I see a reason to be all I can be and so much more. I see cold hard proof that it doesn't matter where you came from, just matters where you're going.

When it comes down to it, I guess I really do believe my dad is Superman. I can't think of anyone who can go through the things he did and still find something to genuinely smile about. I hope others have as good a role model as I've had for the past seventeen years and beyond; I hope others have their own Superman in their lives.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, that's my dad, and I wouldn't have him any other way.

Too laid back? I know there are many errors in this. Help is greatly appreciated!

Hi Suzanna-

I really enjoyed reading you essay. You are great at expressing imagery, and I really felt the admiration and love that you feel for your dad. Because this is an admissions essay for undergrad, I don't think you took too informal of an approach. On that note, I do think that it may need a little restructuring and polishing. You have everything here you want to say, I'd just rearrange it to be more chronological for his life. I also think that you might want to put a little more focus on how you have taken the qualities of your father and applied them in your own life.

Also, I would change talking about the sacrifices he made for you to talking about how he overcame struggles in his life, since you never actually refer to what these "sacrifices" are in your essay. Just for the purpose of sticking to the theme.

Overall, a great essay...just needs some finesse. You don't have to agree with all of my suggestions. Having worked in an admissions office, and read through applications myself, I just think it's best to be more straightforward and to the point in your essay. They have to read a lot, so you want to keep the theme something that they will quickly grasp and remember. Your relationship with your dad is very inspiring! Good luck :)

Suzanna,

Your essay is wonderful! I think that, with the corrections that Kayla has made -- it will be that much more beautiful. I was going to add my own two cents to the essay, but after I saw Kayla's responses, well, I thought that she did an excellent job in her own right.

You have a good imagination. Now, take what suggestions are before you and re-write the essay, and then re-post it on the forum so that we can see and read it again. I think that you will find that a re-write will do you good.

Mark

Hi,

To answer your concern, the tone of your essay is pretty good. It does not trying to force anything out of the reader, making your essay more readable. On the other hand, your essay is overflowing with the impacts that your father has on you. It is good to have all those, but you are missing out many details, or concrete evidence, that will make your essay more convincing. Try to add more details, like how your father has done, and describe them properly. Quality of your description is more valuable than some brief mention of everything he has done.

GL~

I agree. That is why I suggested that you focus more on your admiration for his perseverance (since you explained more about that), than his actual sacrifices for you (since there are no examples of that). Like Rey said, you might want to also elaborate on your dad's struggles a little, just zo we can feel more connected as readers.

Thanks you all for your help. I have gotten started on rewriting it now!

Awesome! That's great. Fix the typo, though... the missing letter n.

And here I think you are missing the word "would"
the man who would pick me up and carry me inside when I fell asleep on car rides, the man who'd point to this little ugly duckling and declare proudly, "That's my daughter".

Cool! Ha ha, the ending is great, and ... I like everything about it.

He's the constant rock in my life. He's the man who'd... I see the way this might be something to trim, as Kayla suggests. She is smart. But that is only if you want a really high standard of focus, and you can adjust your theme any way you want. It depends your own priorities. Cutting that part would be okay, but you might want to keep it because that might be where the soul of the essay is for you. :-)