I have had writers block for some time now and I finally sat down to generate something mindlessly and this is what came of it, please comment any suggestions and what you think of the piece overall - it is greatly appreciated. (This essay is for the University of Florida)
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
When I was five, my dad took me to a beach in Key West that he visited often; this day began a battle that fueled my desires and defined my craving for knowing. The ocean was shallow with minimal waves and clear blue water and I was drawn to what I had not seen past the horizon. I was a "big girl" and my independent spirit wanted to know what lay beyond and I was determined to find out. I learned something that day that would formalize my character: I was ready to leave the confines of what I already knew was fact and immerse myself into the endless ocean that so resembles my idea of knowledge - that it is consistent and boundless.
From an early age, I have marched to the beat of a different drum and this independence has guided me to seek after all that could be offered. At five years old I was ready to challenge my inability to swim in order to catch a glimpse of the unknown and it has been this way from that day forward. I am intuitively intrigued by the mysteries of life and am driven to know more about them; I long for more information because I revel in the fulfilling bliss of acquiring knowledge. This desire has proven effective in all my decisions growing up and continues to be useful as I reach a new stage in life. I often reflect on the moment I decided to swim, without knowing how to, and it reminds me that just the thrill of finding out was enough to propel me forward. This act defines my eagerness to seek more of what is available to me and of my willingness to accept difficult challenges in order to feel complete. The unlimited amount of information that I am able to obtain and make use of allows me to feel constant, like valence electrons that attempt to bond in order to reach ultimate stability, because I continually found myself in search for something to fill a void - a hole that could only be filled by an abundance of information and the vast ocean of knowledge that an education can provide me with.
This event has lead me to overcome demanding classes in high school, seek more difficult courses through the years, take on responsibilities and leadership roles that have all placed me ahead of the sedentary high school experience without guidance of how to fully proceed through it all. I swam through 3 years of high school without instruction and I am determined to continue to reach the horizon. Like electrons, at this institution, I will be willing to put myself out there to not only give value to the institution but to gain fulfillment as I have always sought and eventually reaching my own "octet" for a stable life.
Well.... I think this first paragraph is a bit overdone. This event is about your decision to learn swimming, isn't it? But you drag a bit too long with one full paragraph to come to the point. I feel that you should not keep the reader in this pending status for that long. You can tell the reader about why this event is so important to your life and how it shaped your character, but you need to reveal what it is without dragging too much.
