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"The Dance teacher welcomes us" - indicate a significant influence on you

LILYVEGA21 3 / -  
Dec 31, 2010   #1
Please help me edit must be less than 250 words, feedback please.
I'm not sure if its missing more of the part " describe that influence"
"Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence." (Common Application)

Looking up towards the stage I see as her arms swiftly follow her movement from stage right to stage left. Her passion for dance is incomparable. Her face glowing with such an inviting smile that the protagonist role she plays is very similar to her in real-life. The lights dim, as she becomes the spotlight and she continues to dance like there's no tomorrow. Suddenly she spins, with the tip of her toes pointing out; I know she has come a long way. Four years ago, you would not believe that the shy girl standing on stage today would be her- Melissa Ruiz. I recall years ago when we both stood outside the dance studio doors together, nervous and afraid for auditions: "Lily I'm scared what if we mess up? What's a Battement degage?" As we walk into the studio the Dance teacher welcomes us in, and immediately begins. "Ladies pay close attention and follow me." She stands up straight her neck held long, ready in first position with her arms in front of her waist; she delicately points her toe as Melissa and I scarcely manage to keep up.

A few weeks later, nervous again, we ran to the dance doors to find out if we had made auditions. Our eyes scrolling down the list, surprisingly to see we both made it. I love dance, and Melissa deserves my admiration for all she has accomplished. Seeing her on stage has influenced me to believe in my dreams.

ukkuma 3 / 40  
Dec 31, 2010   #2
I think it has good context; however, this is too short for the common application. If this is for the personal statement (which I'm assuming it is), it requires a minimum of 250 words, not less than that. The problem is that you don't have much information in the essay on Melissa's accomplishments. Try to delve deeper, and recall what accomplishments it was that made Melissa such a significant person to you. I'm sorry if I was harsh; this is just my honest opinion. Dig down deeper, and you'll have a much better essay :)

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