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"I can't dance." - BU 3 words that describe you - INTRO


twizzlestraw 12 / 95  
Jan 4, 2010   #1
Hey everyone! So I know this is probably very silly of me, but I was reading my BU essay and I really didn't like it, so I decided to start over. Anyway, I just want everyone's opinion on whether or not this is a good approach??? Basically my whole essay will be structured like this. I piece from the poem, and then an example of how it describes me... IDK, it might end up being to choppy and like I have too much going on... Please tell me what you think!

THANKSSSS! Post a link and I'll help with yours as well. =)

I hope whenever you think of this red jacket, you think about me,
Because it's bold, warm, and free
It's the most prominent thing in this room.

I hope whenever you think of this red jacket you think about me. Because it's bold. It doesn't care if it stands out.

"I can't dance."
Whenever I divulge this information to a friend or acquaintance, I receive the same mortifying expression. A slight borrow of the fro, the squint in their eyes, and the twist in their lips all intimate to me their evident confusion. I know what they're thinking -

"But you're black!"
SofiH216 1 / 4  
Jan 4, 2010   #2
I like its catchy
but to me personally it sounds sad...try boosting it up with some postive stuff
overall i like where your going with this
good luck
if you have a chance can you look at mine?
Jeannie 10 / 214  
Jan 4, 2010   #3
Hi, Twizzlestraw! I am really confused. What is your essay suppose to be about - what is the prompt? Also, did you write the poem? The style you are going for is confusing.

I'll check back in a few (what was wrong with your first essay?? Starting over is a risky step if your time is almost up...)

I am supposed to write an essay of my own, and I am blocked. I will be back though!

Jeannie
meliza8809 6 / 23  
Jan 4, 2010   #4
I really like that poem bit. It's catchy. I like the idea. I look forward to reading your completed essay because personally I love stories about "stereotyping" because I have experienced it myself. (I'm an Asian kid :) )

However, I don't quite get it. Are you starting off your essay with the poem and then transitioning into a narrative? Right now it just comes off as disorganized, like you can't make up your mind.

Here's mine:

essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-essays-2/bu-supplement-words-al ice-wonderland-ish-14540/

I really want to send in my BU supplement too. I'm just feeling a little bit hesitant right now.
OP twizzlestraw 12 / 95  
Jan 4, 2010   #5
Hahaha yeah you're probably right...
I think I could pull it off with enough time, but I'll probably just fix my original one (it was really boring).
Thanks for reading!
Good luck on yours! =)
srandhawa 10 / 157  
Jan 4, 2010   #6
thanks, good feed back i did change mine up a little if you want to take a look,

anyway, can you give me the prompt for your essay, i know its three words that describe you, but is that it, anything else in the prompt, sorry i know im slow but none of my colleges asked for a 3 words essay. As it is, i dont know if hte prompt asks for a poem or not or how many words it is suppose to be, but it is solid. The only thing I would say is lots of people can claim to be bold or something along those lines, if you cant describe something specifically that would suggest your bold(about your life not through a red jacket), then you better have other parts of your application that do this rather directly, otherwise i dont know if the adcoms will buy it or not. Thanks, good luck.
andrew112 1 / 2  
Jan 4, 2010   #7
what is your prompt about?

you should always attach the prompt with your essay
OP twizzlestraw 12 / 95  
Jan 4, 2010   #8
haha sorry for the confusion everyone!
okay the prompt is:
In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.

So where I was going with it is that the three words that describe me are: bold; warm, and free (or maybe another word if i can think of something else that ryhmes with "me" lol)

the reason the "I cant dance" paragraph started out with the portion about the red jacket being "bold" because I was going to discuss how even though I once struggled with my inability to dance - I now boldly snap my fingers and bob my head off beat.. lol

and then the rest of my essay would follow that format...
Jeannie 10 / 214  
Jan 5, 2010   #9
what is you first answer?? I would like to see, and you are never boring!
OP twizzlestraw 12 / 95  
Jan 6, 2010   #10
Awe thank you! I actually didn't get a chance to look back at this before I submitted my essay. I spent all day working on my essay - which I unfortuantely feel came out underdeveloped and terribly mediocre lol... But, if you wanted to read it - here it is... I don't mind a bit of critism, I might have to recycle this idea for another college lol!

I am different, bold, and creative. I take pride in the fact that I am different. I am bold in that distinction. That boldness breeds creativity.

I can't dance. Whenever I divulge this information to friends or acquaintances, I receive the same inevitable expressions. The slight borrow of their brows, the squint in their eyes, and the twist in their lips all intimate to me their complete confusion. I know what they're thinking - "But you're black!"

It's true, I am an anomaly. A black girl who can't dance is like a tadpole that can't swim.
There was a time when this irony embarrassed me. At school dances, whenever the music commenced, I quickly moved to the center of a large crowd in desperate hopes of hiding my awkward movements and lack of rhythm. I understood that stereotyping was silly, but I could not help feeling somewhat inadequate at my inability to live up to mine.

Oh you're black, so you can dance right?
It is what many assume, but it could not be farther from the truth.
It took me sixteen years to grow out of this utter chagrin. I remember that night clearly. It was the winter homecoming dance of my sophomore year. As such, I had faithfully retreated behind a large group of people, while I simply rocked back and forth to the music in order to avoid standing out. However, as I danced self-consciously in the midst of my peers, I realized I was not having any fun. I looked around at everyone else, freely dancing without restraint. It was then that I began to understand how ridiculous I was being: by hiding who I was, I was sacrificing much more than I was gaining.

It was not easy. In fact, for the first ten minutes I felt an overwhelming sense of awkwardness. However, with every jerk, on or off the beat, that awkwardness melted away. I am sure people were staring at me in bewilderment, wondering what in the world I was doing. Yet, at that point, it no longer mattered. I was free. I felt bold and proud of who I was and my lack of dancing skills. My inability to perform the popular dance moves, forced me to use my creativity to develop my own (including the airplane rock and the banana boat).

Today, I am proud to represent the exception, the tadpole that can't swim. I realize that without people who are different, life would not be interesting.

I hope to contribute my appreciation for differences to BU. In the BU community I will proudly share my diversity and embrace other "exceptions" as well. I plan to be bold in my distinctions at BU, and use that boldness to develop new and creative ideas that will spread my appreciation of differences to my fellow students.
caisson22 5 / 16  
Jan 6, 2010   #11
1st off I must say that... I'm black and I can't dance either!!! LOL So you're not alone :)

But second I don't think it's good to write an essay based on the stereotype of a race... if a white person wrote I can dance but I'm white and that's why I'm different I don't think it would go over to well.

But I Love LOve LOVE your first line: "I am different, bold, and creative. I take pride in the fact that I am different. I am bold in that distinction. That boldness breeds creativity."

A perfect intro!

But ummm not quite sure about the topic.
Good luck though!!! I applied there as well!


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