Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
I could feel them. Pairs of staring eyes followed me onto the stage. It was as if they were expecting me to make a mistake - a fatal error in my performance. I grew self-conscious and began to regret my decision. What was I trying to prove? I was perfectly happy with my current state. I, for one, liked to survey the waters first before bathing my entire foot in it.
"There's going to be a talent show -- next week!" the residential counselors announced. Immediately I crossed my arms and tilted my head, an act of fear rather than indifference. I had never performed before, and I certainly wasn't going to start now. My fear came true when one of the campers suggested a group dance. Out of peer pressure, I joined "[name]'s Bollywood Crew."
During the first few practices I danced with iciness. While everyone went all out, I waved my arms with reserve. I was still testing the waters.
One of the leaders, [name], noticed my stiffness and asked me to demonstrate. I reluctantly dragged myself to the center of the crowd. The music cued me as I slowly extended my arms. Suddenly the melody picked up its pace. I began to panic. Soon my arms and legs were tangled, and I fell flat on my face. But the music kept on playing, so I had to stand back up. There was no escaping the music. Forgetting the steps, I began improvising. I punched to the beat. I jumped to succinct notes. I drew two semicircles with my arms. I even let out a resonating cry. With new-found confidence, I volunteered to be one of the center dancers. No more reluctance. No more fear.
I felt reassured as we walked to the center of the stage. We tapped along the opening beats. After several intervals, the music set us into full motion. I punched as I shook off the remaining doubts in my mind. I had forgotten all about my ineptness in dancing and the piercing eyes of the audience. As I leaped high into the air, I felt unleashed. I was finally free.
Before this summer I took refuge in self-complacency. I had been a high-achieving student as the valedictorian of my class. Being first had its price. Constantly the fear of losing haunted me. I worked hard to keep the status quo and refused to take any risk that might disturb this precious equilibrium. I had let the fear of failure rule my life, until I joined the dance. It had transformed me. I begin to take necessary risks and tackle life's challenges - even those out of my comfort zone. From now on, I will trust my intuitions, take pride in my skills, and believe in my passion and capacity as I pursue my dreams. As I begin a new chapter in my life, I now have full confidence, one that motivates me to pursue a pre-medicine path in college. Your institution will challenge me and push me to accomplish what may have been unattainable in the past. Only this time, I have what it takes to succeed. I'm ready to jump in the waters.
Any suggestions/revisions appreciated. Thanks!
Daniel
I think you have a great concept for your essay, I find myself sympathizing with the fact that you tried hard to remain #1 and you feared failing rather than to live life to the fullest. This sounds very sincere and I think the AOs will also react with emotions as well. Overall I think this was a great essay! It just needs a little tweaking here and there.
The first paragraph was a nice attention grabber.
I agree with Nia about the institution part, that part can be reworded. I think the other two mentioned all the errors I was going to point out.
I had been a high-achieving student as the valedictorian of my class. Being first had its price.
Suggestion: As the valedictorian of my class, I was use to being classified as a high achiever -but being first had its price.Sounds a little stuffy.
Hope this helps! If you wouldn't mind could you take a look at one of my essays. Thanks!
