Prompt basically asks for a person on influence and how they impacted you. Any criticism/comments are appreciated!
A person who has made an impact on my life isn't a real person at all, nor do I know her in real life. The fact that someone who inspires me is fictional stems from the fact that while I was growing up, there wasn't any one tangible person who impacted me greatly. My life was cathartic and transient in that there was no sense of social stability - I moved constantly and it was difficult to get to know people fully enough to consider them influential. At the same time, my parents were seldom home; though they loved me to the best of their ability, they had little influence on who I am as a person and what my values are, aside from a few that they instilled in me at a young age.
I discovered Daria Morgendorffer, a smart, snarky, sensitive teenage girl at a young age, a time when I didn't really have anyone; I had no friends, my parents were never home, and the only constants in my life became the things I chose to immerse myself in: art, literature, music, schoolwork. The reason why Daria impacted me so much was because, from a social standpoint, I didn't feel so alone when I watched her. I had someone to relate to. An exemplification of myself in animated form, Daria was a bespectacled, plain, unfashionably dressed, but highly intellectual and seemingly cynical teenage girl, portrayed as an icon of sanity in insane surroundings. She was not afraid to take risky, manipulative actions to call attention to her principal's unethical behavior. She preferred reading to playing with other kids as a child, and was perfectly content with the few, true friends she had in school. I could relate greatly to the views she had towards high school, to the fact that she encompassed a generation of adolescents who had that same mindset in that they questioned why we did things like seek popularity, and what use they would have after high school.
With Daria, there was a sense of acknowledgement in regards to school as a whole, that what you did in it, wouldn't necessarily define who you were when you left, something that most parents, including mine, didn't agree with. I grew up with a warning in my head which repeatedly reaffirmed that school was a life and death situation, that academic intelligence was the most valuable thing in the world and that if I got a B or anything short of an A*, I was a failure. If you look at Daria, even though she didn't fit in with her high school class or social, workaholic family, she still enjoyed life because she wasn't concerned about projecting a certain image of herself or a model student - she didn't care; she would rather be an individual, an intelligent loner, than yet another popularity obsessed teenager.
For the longest time, in middle school at least, I wanted to fit in. I wanted the boat shoes everyone was wearing, the cell phone constantly being taken up in class, the ideal relationship with every member of the student body. Now however, I have no sense of wanting that, to blend in consciously, as opposed to honoring my idiosyncrasies and the few strong relationships that have resulted from them. Daria had a sense of honesty and truthfulness in the face of judgment from a harsh demographic of unfair teachers and self-obsessed students; that in itself made Daria an inspiration. Daria is the reason why I didn't tear myself down after a bad grade and the paternal criticisms that accompanied it, she taught me that my mental capabilities were not determined by a quiz or standardized test, but by the way I used my knowledge to better both my own situation and others'. Daria is the reason why I shrugged off the over-apparent social hierarchy of my school with dry humor, wit, and sarcasm, rather than letting it affect me psychologically. Daria Morgendorffer, the 5'2" brown haired, brown-eyed, animated, fictional MTV character, saved me from giving into the constant pressure I felt from the media, my school, and family; she shaped me into the calm, confident, strong-willed person I am today.
I think the first paragraph needs a few imagery words added to it. Google imagery word if necessary.
Use a hyphen: popularity-obsessed teenager.
This sentence is like an attack on my brain: With Daria, there was a sense of acknowledgment in regards to school as a whole, that what you did in it, wouldn't necessarily define who you were when you left, something that most parents, including mine, didn't agree with.
I think you should use a dash to fix it!!
With Daria, there was a sense of acknowledgment in regards to school as a whole, that what you did in it, wouldn't necessarily define who you were when you left -- a notion that most parents, including mine, didn't agree with.
I want to know more about how she influenced you in the sense of how you have turned out... who you are now. That means i want to know what careers you might enter and what goals you now have for the near future... tell about the result of this interaction with Daria.
:-)
My life was cathartic and transient, in that there was no sense of social stability ...
...they questioned why we did things like seek popularity, and what use that would have after high school.
With Daria, there was a sense of acknowledgment in regards to school as a whole,...
... she still enjoyed life because she wasn't concerned about projecting a certain image of herself as a model student...
Daria is the reason why I didn't tear myself down after a bad grade and the paternal criticisms that accompanied it,...
Daria is the reason why I shrugged off the over-apparent social hierarchy of my school with dry humor...
What a great 'person' to write your essay about! Good luck in school, and have fun.
The vocab comes across as contrived. Be honest: How often do you use words like "transient", "cathartic", "snarky", "exemplification", and "bespectacled" in your everyday vocab? Though it's great to dress up an essay a little, words like that scream "THESAURUS" - or, even worse, "cheater". Maybe you use those words in everyday conversation, but they just seem to be ten-dollar words in the middle of five-dollar ones and they really stand out.
You also have some grammar issues. Try reading your essay out loud to catch phrases and sentences that don't make sense or seem too long. Often, what you mean and what you come across as are two totally different things. A good rule is to keep commas, semicolons, and other punctuation marks to a minimum. For example, one of your sentences had six commas ("With Daria, there was a sense of acknowledgment in regards to school as a whole, that what you did in it, wouldn't necessarily define who you were when you left, something that most parents, including mine, didn't agree with"). Try cutting it to two or just shortening it: "Daria acknowledged that what you did while in school did not define who you were when you left. Most parents, including mine, did not agree with that.
Avoid contractions.
