Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 3


That day was not just an accomplishment


jmonte 1 / -  
Dec 15, 2012   #1
Hey everyone. So for my common application essay I did choice number 1: "Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you." My essay is only 270 words (250-500 limit), but I believe it is one of the best essays I've ever written. Anyways, here it goes. Any input or criticism is helpful. Thanks :)

Illusion of the Mind
I sit, my chair marked by a placard with "China" spelled out on it in bold white letters. Staring down at my notecards I subconsciously listen to the woman speaking. All I can pick up is "Pakistan", "floods", and "airdrops." Before long these words are lost in my mind. The speaking ends. Our turn, me and two of my best friends stand and walk toward the podium. It was at that moment that it set in. I'm at the United Nations, this room is usually off limits, I'm about to speak in front of seven hundred people. My heart races, it feels as if it is about to erupt out of my chest. The three of us stand at the lectern; fearful, anxious, and vaguely excited. Our Interact Club advisor introduces us, and in we go. Plunging into a world of language, persuasion, and oration we deftly execute our presentation, ironically called "Interact Club of Pawling: A Love Story" despite our fear and apprehension. Before I even know it we are into our concluding words. I revise my notes in my mind as I speak, ultimately leaving the crowd with a quote, a quote by Winston Churchill, "The future will be kind to me, for I intend to write it." Cheers, clapping, standing ovations, as we fall back toward our seats I am filled with the ultimate sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.

That day was not just an accomplishment; it was a lesson, a lesson that changed me. I learned that I could do anything I set my mind to. Whether it is public speaking or anything , fear is simply an illusion of the mind.
paulazh 3 / 5 1  
Dec 15, 2012   #2
Hi there !
I think you have to write more about its impact on you. You described your emotions and your situation , but what about it?
"That day was not just an accomplishment; it was a lesson, a lesson that changed me. I learned that I could do anything I set my mind to" How did it change you ? You can still develop your last paragraph. It's common to be nervous while being in front of a huge audience, so try to add something different and unique about yourself.

Good luck !!
vadalis 4 / 12  
Dec 15, 2012   #3
The overall essay is written well. but maybe you could add how much it actually scares you? I could not realize how much it scared you until the last paragraph. Also, somemore paragraphing will be good. And describe more the impact on yourself as a person.

Good luck!!


Home / Undergraduate / That day was not just an accomplishment
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳