Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 10

The day that I would become the New York City champion in the 1000-meter race. Common app essay


papulin23 1 / 2  
Dec 3, 2009   #1
Hi there. Could you please correct something if anything is wrong? or give me advice on it? Thank you

Since the beginning of my indoor track season, I had been picturing that day, the day that I would become the New York City champion in the 1000-meter race. I was preparing myself intensely both physically and mentally in the weeks leading up to the race. That day I was nervous but ready, and when the gun fired, I quickly made my way up to the first pack of runners and stayed with them for three entire laps, waiting to make a move on the last lap. Approaching the last lap, I moved to second place and then sprinted past the first runner with 150 meters to go, just thinking about crossing the finish line in first place. When I crossed the finish line I raised my arms in victory, overjoyed that my hard work had finally paid off.

Anguyen12t 3 / 5  
Dec 3, 2009   #2
"That day I was nervous"
-change it to On the day of the race I was nervous and ready. When the gun fired,

you can take out "waiting to make a move on the last lap" it makes the sentence a run on
jjeff 4 / 9  
Dec 3, 2009   #3
I think you could make it more effective if you talked more about being a runner instead of describing a story. Since it's only 150 words max, it is not easy to create an effective story about hard work and triumph.
OP papulin23 1 / 2  
Dec 5, 2009   #4
Thank you Ashley!That will help me =)

and Jiafu, would it be ok if I left it like this one?or should I really change it to another one talking about being a runner?does it really make that much of a difference?
JaeL 2 / 6  
Dec 5, 2009   #5
I also agree with jjeff. Maybe you can talk MORE about how you prepared for the big race. You should talk about the obstacles you had to overcome (if there were any) and the extents of the reward you earned for working so hard. Just a suggestion.

-Jae

P.s. please read my essays and let me know what you think! thanks!
jjeff 4 / 9  
Dec 5, 2009   #6
I agree with Jae. Maybe elaborate more on this aspect:

"I was preparing myself intensely both physically and mentally in the weeks leading up to the race."
and...
"...overjoyed that my hard work had finally paid off."

I think changing it to describe your preparation process would be better. It would show the determination and effort you put into one race, rather than showing a scene where the reader can't feel a connection with your victory.
OP papulin23 1 / 2  
Dec 9, 2009   #7
Hello again. I tried another one, which kinda describes me as a runner.it has 142 words, and I hope that its better than the other one.

"I always prepare myself both physically and mentally before a big race. Running not only requires the strength of my muscles or my way of breathing, but it also requires a strong mind that can help push myself to higher levels. Thanks to that great mentality, it had helped me reach goals that I never imagined to achieve. That's what makes me a good runner; always focusing on the race before running on the track. Always wanting to be better, trying to compete with the best, never fully satisfied with my times, wanting a always a better time. That's how I know I can improve even more, by having a strong mind and always thinking positive about myself, thinking that I can make it even further, but only if I want it to happen. A great runner always requires a strong mentality."

Thank you
JaeL 2 / 6  
Dec 10, 2009   #8
This is SO much better than your first one. I would just advise you to change the sentence structure a little bit. Just to make it flow a little better.

and here's one grammatical error I see.
wanting a always a better time
bhan_msm 3 / 11  
Dec 20, 2009   #9
Its a well thought out and expressed essay.
But according to me you should put more feelings into it.
Like for example,rather than telling us about the physical things such as how many meters were left,which position you were at that time etc.you should probably write about how you felt when you were at that stage,your emotions and your expectations etc.
gemma2345 5 / 15  
Dec 20, 2009   #10
i agree with jael...i think that u should change your sentence structures. u say so many things in one sentence. apart from that, the essay is wonderful.


Home / Undergraduate / The day that I would become the New York City champion in the 1000-meter race. Common app essay