Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution, or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are.
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I remember the day I first came to America. I was in the LAX airport, looking around the totally strange place which was full of strangers. All I could hear was the strangers' buzzing. At that moment, I realized that I was in America, and my heart started to beat fast.
Until April 25, 2006 I had never been away from my country, Korea. For 18 years, I had grown up being around people who used the same language as me and had black hair and brown eyes. I was having... However, my mother wanted to give me and my little brother more chances in our education and lives. One day she grabbed a huge Nursing book written all in English, telling us she would restart her career in America. It was at her age of 48 after being a housewife for 11 years after quitting her career as a nurse. Sometimes I saw her fallen asleep with the huge book and a pen in her hands and glasses on her face. A year later, she really passed the RN exam, and that is how my mother, brother, and I came to the U.S.
Above all, language barrier was the biggest issue. First a few weeks, I was like a breathing statue who could not talk. I blushed like a tomato even before I opened my mouth. It was not only because of my poor English but also because of my lack of confidence. The first day in College of Marin, the lecture sounded like, "Let's,, blah ..you.. and blah blah.." From the next day, I recorded the lectures and listened to them at home. Also, I used to "draw" the teacher's cursive note on my notebook and spent time at home to figure out what it meant. At night, I watched movies like Spider Man with English subtitle and dictionary beside me.
Gradually the strangers' buzzing became words, and later on it finally became successive sentences to my ears. I could laugh at teacher's joke with my classmates. It took days and days for me to get English papers done and read text books for my exams, but my hard work and time I spent were rewarded by all A's in my transcript. Simple words are not enough to describe how I felt when I saw myself improving day by day.
Besides language barrier, as a side effect of dramatic change in environment, I suffered from the nostalgia and depression as well. I missed my friends and family in Korea so much, and my days used to start and end with deep sighs and tears. However, I found out some strategies which helped me cope with the negative feelings. For example, writing handwritten letters soothed the nostalgia and playing piano calmed my waving emotion. Also, whenever I was tempted to give up, I thought about my mother who chose a challenge at her late age, leaving her comfortable life in Korea to give her children better education and lives.
It is November 2008, and here I am. The speechless girl who blushed like a tomato is now working at the tutoring center, helping people with math and physics. She also became a vice president of one of the school clubs. Once an American historian Bernice Johnson Reagon said, "Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you. They're supposed to help you discover who you are." It was not an easy journey, but after going through it all by myself, what I found within me were the strong will, courage, responsibility, and confidence. I am proud that I won from the fight with myself and develop myself though it. I consider I just made one step. Still there is far more to go. There will be more challenges later in my life. However, I am no longer afraid of them. I trust myself. I know I can and will handle it. I'm ready to make a big jump to get closer to the goal in my life.
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This is 667 words and I need to shrink it. Can you suggest me which part I should erase?
Also, I might have lots of grammer mistake and sentences or words which sound funny. Please correct grammar errors and sentence flow.
Lastly, I was having.. part, I didn't know how to connect the two sentences before and after "I was having...". Please give me some suggestion.
Good afternoon :)
First, some mechanical suggestions. Make sure you are capitalizing only the first words of sentences and proper nouns. As such, "Nursing" shouldn't be capitalized.
"For the first few weeks, I was like a breathing statue who could not talk."
"Besides the language barrier, as a..."
"...English subtitles and dictionary beside me."
Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing; "I'm" should be "I am."
In regards to the "I was having..." section, I would remove "I was having..." and then leave it as it is; the flow is fine there.
To reduce the word count, I suggest just taking out some of the beginning details. For instance, "Once an American historian Bernice Johnson Reagon said, "Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you. They're supposed to help you discover who you are." It was not an easy journey, but after going through it all by myself, what I found within me were the strong will, courage, responsibility, and confidence. I am proud that I won from the fight with myself and develop myself though it. I consider I just made one step. Still there is far more to go. There will be more challenges later in my life. However, I am no longer afraid of them. I trust myself. I know I can and will handle it. I'm ready to make a big jump to get closer to the goal in my life" could be shortened.
I hope this helps!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
