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"The day of my graduation" - Personal: Applying to Ivy Leagues


ecordo5 4 / 29  
Jan 2, 2011   #1
I hope that you can guys please review this and thank you. I have not gone it over, I literally wrote this like an hour ago. But thanks! Here is the prompt:

Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

Note: The Common Application essay should be the same for all colleges. Members that wish to review custom essay responses will request them on their Supplement form. Your essay will appear on a separate sheet at the end of the application.

The day of my graduation was a bitter-sweet moment. I would be one of the first ones in my family to graduate high school and the first one to obtain a university level education. With the entire constant the support of my family, my community, and high school administrators, it was a pleasure to make them all proud that day. As I walked across the stage, I felt an unexplainable bond with my peers. We all marched towards adorned diploma, smiled to take a picture, and then took our seats. I felt like the archetypal All-American Boy; top academic performer, student leader, community activist, and embodiment of the American Dream. However, I wasn't.

I am undocumented.
I knew that many of the adversities that I have faced in life would continue on in college. I knew that I would have to try harder to stand out, become a stronger leader, try harder to find resources, and most importantly, give back to my community. However, I implored on these adversities to strengthen me. Regardless of my status, I wanted to be the archetypal model for everyone. A model that everyone from of all walks of life could embrace: a model of selflessness, strength, and moral values. The day I graduated, I promised myself that even with limited options, I would look highly towards any degree of education. As a result, I decided to attend the University of Illinois at Chicago.

A University education presents a world of prospects and challenges. This was the values I embraced on higher education as I entered UIC in the fall. Excited about the prospect of postsecondary education, I articulated a list of characteristics I expected to find in my new home for the next four years. First, there would be a tremendous amount of resources for undergraduate students, for tutoring, research, and job opportunities. Second, the courses would be difficult and challenging, but students would be rewarded with a wealth of information on the subject. Furthermore, diversity among the study body would be a necessity for learning experiences and tolerance. Finally, the students would share my passion for learning and my desire to go beyond just the surface of the subjects. I anticipated finding people who would share these values. Much to my dismay, these assumptions were completely wrong; the expectations were not met.

Despite my optimism at UIC, it is not what I expected. Entering that fall, I tried my best to outreach to every source available to me. Although great in number, these resources were uninteresting and unavailable to undergraduate students. Resources such as tutoring, research, and job opportunities were divided among the enormous student body. This problem became evident early on where I went for tutoring, scheduling help, or scholarship questions. Every time, I would stand in line in quo of other students between my classes and awaited my opportunity. However, every time, I would be disgusted by the lack of attention and rushed by my next class. It seemed like the whole student body was fighting amongst each other for these resources.

In addition to the lack of access of resources, UIC also failed to meet my expectations in other areas. One of the best qualities I hoped to anticipate at UIC was the abundant diversity. One of my biggest hopes soon became my biggest disappointment. The abundant diversity, nevertheless, is not taken advantage of. Many of the students form their own separate coalitions rather than unifying towards a common goal. In fact, when I attempted to join the so-called "Unifying Diversity" club, an organization attempts to embody the vales I sought for, it was yet another disappointed. It consisted of all Indian students with only 12 people in the club. Moreover, the student body is highly uninspiring and unmotivated. Knowledge is not the priority of the students, but seeking a high G.P.A. and a diploma. A majority of the classes are taught by Teacher Assistants, who were as unavailable as the professors and uninterested in the material taught. Finally, the professor's are satisfied with teaching the bare minimum and do not seek to befriend, challenge, or foster any relationships with their students.

My experiences at the University of Illinois at Chicago have caused me to reevaluate my choice of schools; I am at the wrong institution. The personal relationship between a student and a professor, one of mentor and apprentice, is not attainable at my current school. Furthermore, a student body which will challenge and befriend me is not at this university. I seek a university full of endeavors which will make my college experience enjoyable, and academically, emotionally, and socially rewarding. However, despite these adversities, I will strive to make it, for my community, for my family, and for myself.

cindyd87 2 / 8  
Jan 2, 2011   #2
obtain a university level education. as you show later in the essay that you are working towards obtaining a BA/AA, you should say that you are the first to strive to obtain a university level education.

With constant support support of my family, community, and high school administrators, I felt honored to make them proud by graduating. or something along the lines of this. i would re-vise in your own words.

We all marched towards adorned diplomas

I attempted to join the so-called
an organization attempts to embody the vales I sought forthe organization does not attempt to embody the values you seek, if it did you probably would not have ran into the problem of it not being what you thought it would be. re-word

was yet another disappointment

my college experience enjoyable, academically challenging, emotionally revitilizing, and socially rewarding. I will strive to make it, for my community, for my family, and for myself

Your essay shows grand determination!
OP ecordo5 4 / 29  
Jan 2, 2011   #3
Thanks Cindy! Do you think it's good enough though =/ Should I upgrade the level of vocab?
alexis brandon 17 / 44  
Jan 3, 2011   #4
your essay reflects you and your determination and I believe colleges will see that. Also I really like the ending it shows your passion.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,339 129  
Jan 28, 2011   #5
My experiences at the University of Illinois at Chicago have caused me to reevaluate my choice of schools; I am at the wrong institution.

Strong sentence.

I knew that many of the adversities that I have had faced in life would continue on in college. I knew that I would have

In addition to the lack of access of resources, UIC also failed to meet my expectations in other areas. One of the best qualities I hoped to anticipate at UIC was the All this stuff.. I think it might be better without it. It almost starts to sort of seem like you might be exaggerating. Instead of elaborating on all the reasons the school is not good, you should elaborate on the specific interests you have developed as you continued to read about developments in your chosen field, and how they influence your decision to apply to this school.

:-)
chunf 5 / 26  
Jan 30, 2011   #6
Hi there,

Overal your essay is good, but i suggest you shouldn't critique about your previous university (UIC), it may be just a rant for those who view your essay. Instead, you can write more about objectives that you hope to achieve.

Good luck.

Please critique mine, thank you.


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