Option #2: Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.
The Essay:
It was the day Egypt exploded, not with missiles, but with anger, resentment and the demand for liberation against the dictators of our country. That was the day of the grand Egyptian revolution that was going to set Egypt on the right track towards a brighter and more sophisticated future, or so we thought.
Throughout the next two years chaos has emerged in our land and there were more than a thousand martyrs. We all said that was a price we had to pay for a better Egypt, but we suddenly found ourselves back from scratch; we have been ruled by yet another dictator with a different face who would do anything to have Egypt in the palm of his hand. Revolutionists got out into the streets and shouted against the repression of the new dictatorship, but more blood was shed, by the authority's allies, blood of citizens my age- it was like a dĂŠjĂ vu. When I saw pictures of the casualties I actually wept, however my tears will not rescue my country or resurrect all those heroes who died.
This national issue that we are facing is of colossal importance to me because this is my homeland that is getting torn apart by internal feuds between its own people and witnessing these events broadened my vision of the future; it got me thinking about the next generations and the type of environment that they will be living in, so I have decided to take a stand against all that is destroying my home. I rearranged my priorities and set all fun aside and started taking actions; I gathered all my concerned friends, broke their barriers of fear, went into the streets to fill the voids left by the murdered Egyptians and yelled with our loudest voice against the unjust authority.
In a nut shell, right now nothing concerns me more than the well being of Egypt and as a citizen in this country I will not stop fighting for it until we reach stability and this whole issue is over; and it will never end until we learn to live together as equals, and as Martin Luther King Jr. said "We must live together as brothers, or perish together as fools".
I think it is a great essay. But what is your word count, maybe you can elaborate a little bit more?
My word count is 373 words...so u think it is on topic not off?? And does anyone has any suggestions for any improvements I can make?
I think it is on topic because you are talking about the importance of the recent even surrounding Egypt to you, which answers the prompt. However since this is an admission essay I would suggest you put in more stuff that will reveal your character to the admission office
As a fellow Arab I can sympathize with all your emotions but I really can't seem to find a point in your essay. I mean I don't want to come off as harsh but I really think honesty is the best policy. You spend more time describing Morsi than you do yourself. There is no indication of what type of person you are or why you would be a good addition to their university except for the last sentence in the third paragraph. And you really do leave the reader on an edge, just when I expected it to get better you cut me off (the third paragraph ended abruptly). I was left asking myself "What did he do?!". `I advise you to revise your essay and I would be happy to critique it again. Again, I don't mean to be harsh but I'm just trying to give you constructive criticism :)
Hey, I actually evacuated to Egypt last year ;)
One thing I want to tell you is that don't end an essayh with a quote.
Make it a personal ending, not someone else's
also, your essay is focused on the incident, not you. I had trouble with this as well.
Hope this helped
What do you think I should do I said what I felt and what I did and what i learned about my self and what I think would save Egypt!!! so what else could I focus the essay on me??
and do u think it is on topic or not??? the topic is written up at the top.
PLEASE reply and thank you.
Hey I'm from Egypt too - Represent .
Back to the topic, I like the idea of your essay a lot. I like the essence, freedom in Egypt, fear for its future, and courage supplemented by our patriotism. However, the essay is just missing a little something that prevents it from "clicking". I think what you need to work on is a personal struggle, how you overcame it, and the huge transformation ( maybe a changed view of life ). I understand that the situation is too huge to sum in a paragraph or two, but you need to introduce it in less space to have more to say about transition and the conclusion of your profound experience.
Good Luck
If I helped you, could you take a look at mine. Thanks.
The previous two comments really said what I wanted to say. Especially with an event like this I can understand how hard it is to put your emotions into words. When I wrote mine I didn't care about the word limit, I just wrote. It turned out to be a bit over a thousand words but it's easier to mold your essay then as you have all your feelings on the paper instead of trying to quantize them from the start in 500 words. Try writing a whole other essay and then link them together?
