this is my first draft- it hasnt been revised in any way
so i would very much appreciate all ur comments!
thank You
Time spent flipping through Teen Vogue highlighting how to flaunt mascara tripled the gap between me and my goal of becoming a logical and powerful debater- or so, I thought.
Like an acne control cream that unclogs even the most congested pores, debate concealed my girly, yet seemingly shallow pursuits. When discussing practicality, benefit and need of the policies proposed by the Oval House, exchanging fierce crossfire, and honing my rhetorical skills, my intelligence acted up; it overpowered the opponents and enthralled the audience. The debater Chloe who embodies the Southern sensibility never appeared to click with the party-girl Chloe embracing So-cal vibe. And my failure to make a top debater was an alarming wake-up call: Chloe, you have tested out your choices, stop spreading yourself too thin and commit to your debate career. Still, I could never discard my old habit of stepping to my endless rack of tabloids with 959 different style tips and 366 special offers that guarantee a whole new makeover with Maybelline.
Yet, the next debate competition awaited me with the Pepto-Bismol to settle my traumatizing indecisions. The topic was to come up with a policy to tackle with the worldwide problem of financial collapse. Gut-wrenching. My team was daunted by the apparent grandeur of the policies polished with much data and never-before-heard terms. However, I mustered up my courage. Then the next minute, I found myself marching towards the podium, while fending off the piercing and demeaning glances of the opponents. Held tight onto my grip was CosmoGirl. I feigned confidence to assure my teammates who were overcome with insecurity as they listened to the opponents lay out their policy of unifying currency. Ours was about increasing consumption on a grassroots level by revitalizing cosmetics industry. After the policy presentation, the professors drilled us with questions. And this is where my love of tabloids kicked in and paid high dividends. Our specific, step-by-step policies with ample examples gleaned from indulging in the Promotion section of the tabloids heated up the otherwise dull atmosphere while the other teams slipped over with the intimidating facts they failed to fully absorb.
In the award ceremony, our names were never spoken by the Dean... until her trembling voice shrieked the names of the Grand Champion. According to the professors, passion and creativity gave us the winning vote. Unlike the other teams who were marked by vagueness, we showed practical and innovative plan. The elusive combo of a Beverly Hills 90210 and a hard-core debate surely left a distinct impression on the judges.
The incongruence ended up as the best harmony. It is possible to mix up the factors situated on the opposite sides of the spectrum and still retain their most captivating aspects to the fullest. My fun-loving demeanor adds a pinch of pep to an academic seriousness. When life hands me many different choices, I am no longer obliged to whittle down the options and select the one that only represents the narrow dimension of me. Knowing how to place the two contrasting sides together presents a great opportunity for me to stretch out my potential.
Such a powerful combo is what makes me shine the way I truly am.
Interesting . . . I like the way you take a seemingly shallow hobby and tie it in to a victory in a meaningful one. Can you perhaps condense the first paragraph, and focus less on the negative aspects of your love of tabloids? You need to mention that you do enjoy them, of course, but is it really necessary to mention your failure to make top debater, or to describe yourself as a party girl? These things are unlikely to endear you to application officers.
Also, can you add a bit to the second paragraph to build some suspense by making it clear how important the debate was? At the moment, you describe it in epic terms, but it doesn't really seem to deserve such diction. It was a nice moment, sure enough, but it isn't clear why the moment meant so much to you that you describe it as you do.
from the 2nd paragraph:
"Like an acne control cream that unclogs even the most congested pores, debate concealed my girly, yet seemingly shallow pursuits." --> I appreciate the attempt to include something related to beauty/cosmetics, but the comparison doesn't really make sense to me. OK, I think I get what you're trying to say, but only after having to think about it. Maybe make it more clear how the two elements are related? like... Like an acne control cream that conceals acne (or whatever) by unclogging even the most congested pores, debate concealed my girly yet seemingly shallow pursuits.
"And My failure to make a top debater was an alarming wake-up call: Chloe, you have tested out your choices, stop spreading yourself too thin and commit to your debate career." --> Maybe a semicolon instead of comma between "choices" and "stop"?
from the 3rd paragraph: "Our specific, step-by-step policies with ample examples gleaned from indulging in the Promotion section of the tabloids heated up the otherwise dull atmosphere while the other teams slipped over with the intimidating facts they failed to fully absorb." --> At first glance, this sentence was a bit too wordy and confusing. Although at second glance, I can understand what you're trying to say, you might want to revise it and make it a bit more clear and easier to follow since college admissions readers will probably be reading through essays pretty quickly.
Also, maybe it'd be better if you were more specific as to how your "love of tabloids kicked in and gained high dividends" instead of just generally stating that you were able to use the knowledge that you got from reading the tabloids to develop your policies. What specific information did you use? Also, specifically, how did you actively contribute to the victory besides your love of tabloids? If you can remember those details and it's not a hassle to include, consider including it. Right now it's just a bit vague and I'm left relatively unimpressed. Make yourself the hero of the story.
Overall, your essay definitely conveys to me your personality and interests, so that's good. However, sometimes portions of your essay can get confusing and muddled. Work on organization, flow, and clarity.
959 different style tips and 366 special offers
Excellent use of specific albeit imaginary numbers instead of vague delimiters like "hundreds." That make the sentence pop and gives it a twist of humor.
until her trembling voice shrieked the names of the Grand Champion
"Shrieked?" Really? Even if her voice did sound hurtfully shrill over the sound system, you're better off choosing a different word. "Shrieked" colors the sentence with horror rather than glee.
"Shrieked" colors the sentence with horror rather than glee.
Especially in conjunction with "trembling." This highlights a wider problem with your use of language -- you tend to use phrasing that creates either the wrong tone, or an inappropriate one. For instance, you say "Then the next minute, I found myself marching towards the podium, while fending off the piercing and demeaning glances of the opponents." Did your opponents really look at you in a way that took away your dignity? Presumably these are people who don't know you personally, or have any reason to think that you might not be better at debating than they are. They could have been a bunch of arrogant jerks, I suppose, but you make it sound as if this was a team you have a lot of history with, without actually giving any background to support that impression.
