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Dear roommate, diss my tart — Stanford supplement

anna123 8 / 14 3  
Dec 30, 2018   #1
Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better. (100 to 250 words)

fruit tart recommendation

Please give me any comments, advice on how to improve my note to my future roommate.

Dear Future Roommate,

Under this note, you will find a piece of fruit tart that I have baked. Please enjoy! Then, please evaluate the tart, referring to the criteria below:

Crispiness/sturdiness of crust
Visual appeal
Amount of filling
Now, you are probably wondering why your roommate is asking you this.
I have developed a ritual to deepen my camaraderie with my friends: I would bake a requested treat every weekend and ask them to evaluate it on Monday.

Friends who did not manage to cross the "close" boundary played it safe. They bit into the over-baked cheesecake, stifled a wince, and commented that the burnt bits contributed a nice "tang."

Close friends, however, were unafraid to be savage.
"The shells are cracked, the inside is uncooked, and the texture is too chewy. Not to mention, there's hardly any ganache in this; it's like a burger without patty", they remarked, resembling Gordon Ramsey.

I am unmoved by this castigation. Not only did their brutal frankness bring improvement to my pastries, it created the honest and comfortable relationship that brought us close in the first place.

We have this unmovable friendship that I wish to share with you, my dear roommate. So without further ado, enjoy, and don't be afraid to call out the soppy crust or lumpy custard.

(246 words)

ZoldyckUSA 3 / 5 2  
Dec 30, 2018   #2
Now, you are probably wondering why ...

It feels like this specific line's tone doesn't somehow "fit in" with the rest of the essay.
Try changing it to something like, " A strange request? Undoubtedly! But allow me to explain."

who did not manage to cross

I know this is probably not how you wanted this to sound like, but it seems like your friends have to compete in a national competition to be deemed as "close."

Maybe change it to something like, "Friends who wouldn't risk being offensive......"
The next para starts with 'close friends', so the reader automatically realizes that the previous para dealt with 'friends who dint manage to cross the close line', which means not labeling them does not hurt the essay.

"The shells are cracked, [...] they remarked

I absolutely love this exchange! And that is why I would PLEASE request you to use exclamation marks, italics if possible, and any other means available to you to make it come to life. For eg, change Not to mention, there's hardly any ganache in this; it's like a burger without patty" to "It's a hamburger that's lost its patty! Where's the damn ganache,<yourname>?!"

bring improvement to my pastries to evolve my pastrie recipes

So without further ado, enjoy, to Whatchya waiting for? DIG IN! .....and don't be....

Sorry for sounding so harsh at times! Your idea is very original and the narration is very friendly. I bet it'll put a smile on their faces.

Good Luck!
Holt - / 7,530 2001  
Dec 31, 2018   #3
Anna, be realistic, write a real humorous letter that introduces you to your roommate. Your letter is unrealistic and does not really help your potential roommate to get to know you. Don't treat this like a game. Be serious about it. Forget the non-existent fruit tart. Your room mate will not be able to judge you because he has never met you nor will he ever taste the pie. Instead, just come straight out an introduce yourself. From your eccentricities, what you like to do during your spare time, study habits that may be found strange, your fixation with food management, all of these need to be presented to your roommate because the dorm leaders will use this essay to pair you up with a roommate of similar traits and interests. This is all about paring you with a person who will get along with you over the next 4 academic years. This is not the time to be highly imaginative and overly creative. This is the time to be engaging and interesting, without going overboard.

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