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'The death of my father' - UF Essay - A narrative of a meaningful event in my life

kdizzle 1 / 1  
Sep 26, 2009   #1
Ok, I wanted to try this site out before I submit my application. I am a pretty decent writer, but I never really feel super confident in my essays. Any critique is greatly appreciated, thanks in advance.

Essay Topic:
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

As I woke up on July 22, 2007, I rolled out of bed like I usually did and began my day. It was just another boring summer day, with nothing to do. I walked around the house, and nobody was around. My dad was on a trip to North Carolina, and my brother was at work, so the house was void of noise, just how I liked it.

I had just come back from a camping trip in northern Florida, and I passed a few prominent colleges along the way. As a high school student who just finished my freshman year, I had not thought about college very much up to that point. I also was not very dedicated to my schoolwork, and I would easily suffice with average grades. My dad would often preach to me the importance of schoolwork, but I chose to ignore him. After seeing some of these colleges en route to my camping trip, I began to realize that I needed to change my habits.

After taking advantage of the rare silence in my house by reminiscing about my camping trip, I decided to find out why it was so quiet. I would soon discover why, much to my chagrin. I entered my mom's bedroom to see her sitting down, speechless. She had just found out that my Dad was in a motorcycle accident during his vacation in North Carolina. The explanation she received over the phone was that it was not fatal, and he only had some minor road burn.

My brother left work immediately after he found out, and bought a plane ticket to North Carolina. His plan was to drive my dad back, because the motorcycle was totaled. When he landed in North Carolina later in the night, he took a cab to the house my dad was staying at. As he walked in to greet my dad in his room, he saw him lying on the ground, unconscious, and not breathing. He was immediately rushed to the hospital, where he was later pronounced dead from a heart attack. The trauma from the motorcycle accident resulted in over exertion of his heart, which resulted in cardiac arrest.

The death of my father has greatly affected my life. I had always admired him, and wanted to be as good as him. He always seemed to know everything, and always had an answer. The only way that I could think of to properly honor him was to do well in school. He always told me that schoolwork was important. Since then, I have gotten nearly perfect grades in school, and I have taken the hardest classes available, in preparation for college. I set high goals for myself, and I have accomplished many of them with the memory of my dad to help. It is with this reason that I know I can do well at the University of Florida, and contribute tremendously to this campus.
acat6332 4 / 12  
Sep 26, 2009   #2
i like your essay and im sorry :( but you really should expand more on the last paragraph, on how you have changed and before the last sentence you should put more of what you learned from the experience, what person are you today thanks to it.
OP kdizzle 1 / 1  
Sep 26, 2009   #3
Ok thanks. They ask for it to be between 400-500 words, so I couldn't expand very much, but I'll try to make some room. Is the 400-500 word limit very strict for colleges? Or will they accept it if it runs a little over?
kl24 1 / 5  
Sep 27, 2009   #4
I attended a UM orientation and they said that they didn't really mind if you went over. He claims they don't sit and count the words.
surfskateskim 2 / 6  
Sep 27, 2009   #5
i agree with acat6332.
expand a little more in ur last paragraph.
but other than that this is well written.
i am very sorry for ur loss :\
good luck!

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