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'Death of my grandmother changed me for better' - UF Freshman essay


Limitless_World 1 / -  
Nov 15, 2012   #1
Here is the topic:
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

Here's what I have so far:
We all have someone or something who has made a positive impact on our lives and motivated us to become the person we are today or who we become on the future. The death of my grandmother motivated me to change my life for the better. Like many grandmothers, my grandmother wanted to see all 5 of her grandchildren graduate high school and go off to college. Unfortunately she was unable to meet this goal. My grandmother only lived to see her oldest to grandchildren graduate high school, my cousin and sister.Six months into my junior year in high school, six months into my senior year, seventeen more months until I receive my diploma I experienced my 9/11 moment. On Feb. 10th, 2012 a terrorist, a man named God, called attack on my grandmother again, too weak to fight back this time she died within minutes. On the morning of Feb. 10th, 2012 at around 11 am I was called down to my high school's office because I was going home early. Shocked and confused by this I swiftly made my way down to the office. I remember my mother's face and appearance so vividly, her eyes devil red, puffy, and looked as if she'd be crying for days. I didn't need an explanation for her tears, 1 week before this a feeling told me my grandmother's time was coming soon but i wasn't sure how soon. The penetrating needs pierced deeply through my heart as the words "Your grandmother passed away this morning." came out my dad's mouth.
aliciadc 1 / 1 1  
Nov 15, 2012   #2
I wouldn't suggest it that you refer to God as a terrorist. Someone whose looking over your essay may take offense if they're religious of any sort.

- Also you repeated yourself with the phrase "On the morning of..." Maybe you can possibly link the two sentences together. Or by saying "That same morning at around 11 am..."

- Insert a comma after "by this, I swiftly made my way..."

- Overall, this is a great start of an essay.


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