Hello, I need help editing my UC Part 1 personal statement. It over 600 (619) and I would thank you guys for helping me narrow this closer to 500 words. Please feel free to make any criticisms, and addition of words or sentences it make the essay sound better. Thank you very much for your help. I sincerely appreciate it. P.S.- A good title for this essay will be appreciated
While evaluating the essay question I would respond to, I came to realize what a different world I came from. I was born and raised in Pakistan, and I lived a common life there for nine years, but in 4th grade I lost my parents in a tragic auto accident. After the death of my parents, I was adopted by a great aunt and her husband in California at age ten, after which I've lived a very different life and faced significant challenges that have helped form my dreams and aspirations.
When I first heard of the death of my parents, I became baffled with my belief that doctors are the hope and healers of all the pain in the world. Knowing that many people survive car accidents, I couldn't accept the fact that my parents couldn't. There, my anger against doctors grew as I blamed them for killing my parents, and I felt that doctors only work for fame and greed, rather than from the goodness of their hearts. But, my ignorance of doctors proved me wrong when I was to have a surgery that determined my life.
One summer day, I had brunch with my family at Baja Fresh. Just two hours after the meal, my stomach grew heavy with excruciating pain from every angle within. Sickened with vomits, I was rushed to an Emergency Room where I learned that my appendix was about to burst, leaving my body susceptible to fatal poison. Thinking that I may end up like my birth parents, I couldn't do anything but just hold on to my dear life.
However, my view on life changed when I met my surgeon. The presence of his gentle smile, and his words "you will be alright" somehow restored all my energy and hope. There I learned something different, and so different from my past belief, that it inspired and changed my life forever. I could feel the kindness and the sincerity of the surgeon and nurses as they held my hands before entering surgery. A few tear drops dripped over my face, not tears of pain but tears of pure joy and happiness, knowing that I would be OK.
After recuperating from the surgery, I came to appreciate the professionalism of physicians. Their excellence in healing the sick inspired me to become a doctor. Soon enough, I started my education in America as a 9th grader, and I've gone through a lot of challenges such as learning a new language and adapting to a new culture. With the help of my wonderful community, family, and friends, I've been able to fulfill my American dream by picking up the life I left behind in Pakistan and excelling at school while building a life with real promise for the future.
From my experience with surgery, I formed a club called Club M.D. that discusses a broad spectrum of physician careers and their service to humanity. Also, I was able to use my community service hours by becoming a committee of Junior Auxiliary at my local hospital where I delivered books and food to the sick, and ran errands for the nurses. There I've become familiar with the future career I aspire to have.
In addition, my parents have inspired me by their actions to do great things in life by giving back to the community, just as they adopted me. I plan to give back by volunteering at Doctors without Borders, perhaps in Kenya where many of the people suffer from AIDS and from the amputation of legs due to land mines. My experience in losing my parents and being treated for appendicitis has transformed my life and inspired me to do what I had hated.
Sickened with vomits and vomiting, I was rushed ...
This is a strong essay! You can improve it by trying out the suggestions in this thread, but I think the essay already convinces the reader of your sincerity and seriousness. Write more about your specific goals for the NEAR future, and it will get even better. Write about your current action plan.
:-)
