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Debate Team; Common App Short Answer (extracurricular)


yvette0704 1 / 1  
Jan 30, 2013   #1
Hi everyone!
I would gladly appreciate your help in reading and checking through my transfer application work.
The topic is "Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences".
I not a native speaker,so I need advice on both sentence corrections and the thought.
Thanks everyone!
_______________________________________________________________
In the first year of high school, I was a good writer but still froze when it came to articulation; abashed and non-confrontational. I set out to change it and then joint debate team. During the first stimulations, I remember being so nervous that I couldn't really think straight even with notes gripped in my hand. It was mortifying, almost torn me down, but I stayed with it.

Gradually, I was shocked that my silence in all classes has been completely destructed; my innocent partiality of our country's government was totally destroyed by debating about conflicting issues like the Tibetan; due to no long self-effacing, my role in other activities became more important.

Debate re-created me.
When felt disappointed with the current university and even frustrated, I entered debate team of department. Debate raised me up again by motivating me regain the confidence of convincing people and speaking challenging words out loud. And it was in there that I found one of my like-minded partners, with whom I co-founder the independent student magazine later.

Maybe I wasn't known as the best debater, but I'll always be grateful for what it has done to me.

dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Jan 30, 2013   #2
. I set out to change it and thenjoint joined debate team.

During the first stimulations

During first practice sessions

but I stayed with it.

but I didn't give up

I was shocked that my silence in all classes has been completely destructed

.... I feel this sentence does not deliver your idea very clearly. Your idea sounds vague and unclear to me. Also I suggest "disturbed" in place of "destructed"

When felt disappointed with the current university and even frustrated

Being disappointed and even frustrated with the current university, ...
Overall, with your essay, I see you have a problem with its flow...
rbtrinh 2 / 2 1  
Jan 30, 2013   #3
well English is not my 1st english too, so I'm not too confident in fixing yours.

But as for the thought, your essay was pretty well done. It just seems like unattached to each others. At first you were talking about how how nervous you were, then suddenly BOOM no more. What happened? did you get use to talking in front of the class? tell us more.

and you got 1000 characters, including spaces, so use wisely. Throw unnecessary words out.
OP yvette0704 1 / 1  
Jan 31, 2013   #4
I wanted to emphasis on how the experience of debate team has improved me on other activities. In this case, do I need to elaborate more on debate?

I know it perhaps sounds paradoxical....
anyway, Thanks for your advice!


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