essay topic: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishmentmakes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Here's my very first draft
It's utter jargon in my opinion and needs some MAJOOORRRR revisions.
Give me your worst:
Title: From Decay to Rebirth
When I think of the quality of this planet and of life around me, I picture ashes. Desolate plains and cracked water beds littered with skulls and piles dry, brittle bones. Nothing even closely reminiscent of Louis Armstrong's "Wonderful World". Why are our perspectives so polar? Because to me there is nothing "wonderful" about where humanity is headed and what it's doing. Most people defend themselves by saying "one person can't fix the problem". Wrong. Each one of us is that person. Maybe I can't fix the entire problem, heck, not even the cooperation of this entire planet will completely restore it now, but I at least try to make a difference.
Volunteering is one of my efforts. I volunteer at the city Zoo, spending the majority of my time educating people about the animals and giving tours of the botanical gardens, thereby helping people understand the delicate, intricate way an ecosystem is designed to permit all aspects of life to flourish, and how quickly that balance can be tipped, the entire community suffering in consequence. I love to see the spark in people's eyes as they absorb my words. My work is done; however, it's up to them to make the next move.
Animals are my weakness. I adore everything about them- their simplistic lifestyles, their affinity and ties to nature, and who can forget the fluffy ears and razor sharp teeth? I certainly can't resist, and it makes me rage when I see people abuse them or worse, bathe in their own ignorance while claiming that they "care". There is a program called Foster Care at almost all animal shelters. It's a wonderful system that places sick or very young animals into the hands of individuals that want to help. It basically saves the creature from euthanasia, giving them a chance in the world. I'm a distinguished "foster-carer" for my local shelter. I've raised and saved countless kittens and puppies. It's an enormous responsibility as well as an aggravating and extremely rewarding one. I've gained patience and knowledge and experience in monumental quantities. The most painful part is giving them back up knowing that they might not make it, but at least it's a step in the right direction, and this is enough to satisfy me.
Fundraisers and information make all the difference. When people are eating cookies, they tend to listen and make positive associations. Cookie + saving the environment and rescuing animals = Good. My friends and I have set up dozens of bake sales in schools and other public places. We talk about special programs and organizations that make the most out of the donations they receive. Being vegetarians and vegans ourselves, we explain the humane, health and environmental benefits of giving up animal products. Don't worry; we don't dare forget the flashy pamphlets.
I may be one in seven billion, but let my messages ring. What I do reflects my inner self: a naďve, hopeful little reformist that nags people and bribes them with sugary treats. Every night, I go to sleep satisfied with myself and confident that I'm fighting for a better world. Someday, those ashes will be washed away with fresh, clear rain that will flood the riverbeds and dye the world green again.
"but I always try to make a difference" - seems really plain in compared to the other text and almost comes off as being really harsh. Something with a higher vocabulary will do the paragraph justice, like... "but I'm in a constant, valiant battle to prove that one person can make all the difference."
"I volunteer at the city Zoo, spending the majority of my time educating people about the animals and giving tours of the botanical gardens, thereby helping people understand the delicate, intricate way an ecosystem is designed to permit all aspects of life to flourish, and how quickly that balance can be tipped, the entire community suffering in consequence." This is too much of a mouthful! Split it up into two sentences. I volunteer at the city Zoo, spending the majority of my time educating people about the animals and giving tours of the botanical gardens. I help people understand the delicate, intricate way an ecosystem is designed to permit all aspects of life to flourish, and how quickly that balance can be tipped, the entire community suffering in consequence.
Your third paragraph seems really... I don't want to say arrogant, but let's just say I don't think it paints you in the best light! You should rephrase some of your sentences to focus more about what you're doing to help save these poor animals and your passion for them, rather than verbally chide those who know nothing on these topics, y'know?
The math equation is a no-no, ahaha.
Apart from that, I'm really impressed with the IDEAS of this essay, and as someone who adores little animals just as much as you do, I want to thank you for caring and doing your part to make this world a better place!
