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I decided to learn something practical, technical and capable of creating huge material


Ashley_W 2 / 2 1  
Mar 13, 2015   #1
Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. You can type directly into the box, or you can paste text from another source. (250-650 words)

When I was about to choose a major to specialize in, I convinced myself of learning something practical, technical and capable of creating huge material wealth. At that time, I thought only that kind of occupations could truly make a difference to the world. Architecture seemed to be a nice choice, combining engineering techniques and romantic imagination. Then there I was, studying architecture at one of the best engineering schools in China.

Admittedly, I did have a great time exploring the world of architecture for the past one and a half years.
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aikoashiya 1 / 39 26  
Mar 14, 2015   #2
I think it's a pretty good essay. You have a clear sense of growth throughout your time at college and a clearer sense of your own identity in terms of your goals and passions.

You do have some grammatical errors.

At thatthe time, I thought that only that those kinds of occupations could truly make a difference to the world.

And stylistically

As for campus life, I didenjoyedthemy time of being a tiny spot in a huge crowd, cheering for our school team in a basketball game, but. But I felt lost in a seemingly boundless campus with more than 40,000 people.

I'm not an expert at grammar or style, so I think having another person to look over your essay will be beneficial in terms of making your essay more polished. Again, the content is good. However, you should omit the parts referencing "your school". If you are submitting this essay to multiple schools, I suggest do not openly use "your school" but instead use a generalization. If you are sending this essay to only one college, then I suggest you reference that school more in specific and include more details that are unique to the school you are looking at.

Hope this helps!
EF_Jasmine - / 68 39  
Mar 14, 2015   #3
Hello my edits and suggestions are below:

When I was about to choose a major to specialize in, I convinced myself of learning (to learn) something practical, (something) technical and capable of creating huge material wealth. At that time, I thought only that (this was the only) kind of occupation( that) could truly make a difference to the world.( Place a simple sentence here about which major you chose> you jumped ahead assuming the reader knows you picked Architecture) Architecture seemed to be a nice choice, combining engineering techniques and romantic imagination. ( I see your passion here, good sentence.) Then there I was, studying architecture at one of the best engineering schools in China. ( Overall nice introduction!)

Admittedly, I did have a great time exploring the world of architecture for the past one and a half years. However, it did not take long before I realized that architecture was just an okay ( mediocre/ average) option rather than a real interest for me. ( Place a sentence here that gives your reader a sense of you being an architect student, but how you loved college) As for campus life, I did enjoy the time of being a tiny spot in a huge crowd, cheering for our school team in a basketball game. But I felt lost in a seemingly boundless campus with more than 40,000 people.

One day(,) it occurred to me that I had spent so many years trying to meet some "so-called" criteria but failed to be at being myself. I have bought a lot of fashionable clothes but they were not my type.(< This sentence is out of place. Tie in how buying clothes that were not your type was similar to what you were experiencing with your major and your sense of self. ) Likewise, I thought architecture would suit me fine because it is a popular major.

( Make this a new paragraph) But My real interest lies in liberal arts. After so many detours I have made, I eventually decide(d) to pursue my real interest and dream college life regardless of what other people may think of them. I want to transfer to a medium-sized private school with fertile ground for liberal arts. I am fascinated by the with the complex relationships between ( among) (< between should only be used when speaking of two things) countries or nations. As an acute observer of international affairs as well as and an active participant of Model United Nations, I enjoy the time when I am involved in delicate negotiations. I have taken part and am planning to continue being active in various kinds of public speaking activities.

( Make this a new paragraph) Apart from that, I also love writing and plan to pursue further development in creative writing, which is a not yet (a)available field in Chinese universities. In particular, I am keen on poetry and novel creation. I have been constantly contributing articles for school magazines and am confident of being an excellent writer in your school.

I believe that the active academic atmosphere in your school provides will would bring out the best in me. First, I intend to take various courses on arts and humanities in order to enlarge my knowledge base. Second, I am looking forward to being involved in international and intercultural communication. I will also take part in relevant competitions and conferences to upgrade my negotiating skills and to prepare myself for achieving the goal for the goal of becoming an ambassador in the future. Last but not least, I plan to write a book about my college life and have it published after graduation. I have made detours and have been through tough times redefining myself. But, I (will) treasure all the knowledge and experience I(will) have gained and would love to share (this) knowledge and experience with (the) people in your diverse community.

Hi! Great essay! I love how you explain your career change and the reasons. This makes your essay very thoughtful and passionate. I added some edits and moved around some paragraphs that may help your essay. Tips in your introduction, write every sentence as if the reader does not know who you are. Never assume the reader knows. I gave you some edits that may help. Good luck on your journey!


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