I am applying to transfer to Columbia GS, Brandeis, Amherst, and Hampshire college.
"Subject: If you are not currently enrolled in college full-time, please describe in detailed chronological order your activities since last enrolled in school full-time."
I was wondering if my essay was clear enough and captivating to a point. Also if it is a convincing description of myself. This is a first draft for the common app, and any comments would help. Rather stuck in the deep end as far as number of people I can ask to edit my paper, so please be harsh.
Common app Essay
"Decision"
Sitting across the table from Roland Platt in a small coffee shop during the summer of 09' started my journey on STF. This quiet good humored man was the director of the international program, Special Task Force, which I would eventually join. I was at a crossroads in my life, whether to go back to my mediocre existence at the University of Portland or step up to a year of delving into the building of my character. I didn't remember my reasoning my decision; however, before I knew it I was driving up to a old brick catholic monastery which filled me with a sense of emptiness. It was quiet and serene. From there the whole year sped by, myself morphing and growing along the way. I remember missing my alarm one morning for 4:30 dance choreography and belatedly racing downstairs to find smiles and laughs jokingly allowing me my blunder. It's ironic how I never missed another. I let the weeks go by, not really having any other agenda than soaking up the love from the people around me. Going up to people and asking for donations filled me with an unfounded fear, and I did it for three months straight. The experience was profoundly memorable. One specific memory was of me striving for a five hundred dollar goal and walking into a small sign shop on Christmas Eve. A profoundly beautiful and warm African American lady, welcomed me as I walked in. She promptly embraced me and my spiel as I explained what I was doing. My heart soared as she opened her heart and coffers as she donated 180 dollars towards my program. I walked out bewildered, it was as if I had requested the money from heaven and an angel had delivered as such. She had assisted in making my goal and had given me a loving pat as well. One thing I learned is that people will not stop to surprise me no matter where I go. In Peru, the families that hosted us moved me to quiet tears; as they opened their humble homes to our group. Out side of the bustling capital city lie hundreds of square miles where families set up their brittle forts of survival: small tin roofed huts, remnants of the civil war that had not passed but ten years earlier. It was here where we were moved by the warms smiles of the people who fed us even when they had almost nothing to their name. It shocked me to experience the state more than half of the world lived in-silent poverty. The experience solidified my desire to work towards helping to build a more equal world of opportunity for people around the world. Being able to apply this desire to community programs afterwards as an intern at the Lovin' Life Learning Center (LLLC) in NY was refreshing. We learned how to lead, organize, and execute various non profit programs and events; I felt a sense of accomplishment as my year came to an abrupt close. My desire to be able to contribute to this program and the people who helped shift the course of my life burned strong, and I responded by deciding to dedicate another year of my youthful life as a 2nd year mentor on STF. After a fun filled summer of Japanese relatives in Nagoya and old friends in Kona, I walked back into the same brick building where I had started my entire journey. My older more inhibited self echoed through the walls as I skipped down the halls to greet the new participants who I knew needed the same amount of commitment and investment as I did my first time through. It has been a rush this past year, seeing the fruits of slow investment blossom in the smiles and confident walks of each person. I felt like a mother and older sister to my friend Christine as she battled difficult moments from her past and struggled to find her strength as a woman in America's image driven society. I am making ready to once more serve overseas in Honduras, and will once more travel to intern at LLLC in NY. In the future I hope to apply the resiliency and broad mindedness that I have acquired over these past two years to a liberal arts college where I can study my own specialized field in global finances and political communication. Moreover, it excites me to think of integrating my self into a competitive and encouraging community where curiosity is nurtured. Just I sat at a crossroads in that small coffee shop with Roland mulling over my future, I now sit at the GPS looking at the highways of my life. I hope to take the on-ramp that will bring me the closest to the kind of person I want to be in the future. All it will take is one decision.
You don't seem to have used any paragraphs.
Capitalize Catholic.
Use paragraphs so that the reader will not choke on giant bites of information. The reader needs a paragraph break sometimes to help her organize her process of interpreting these symbols strewn across the page.
I like this: The experience was profoundly memorable. ---You have a nice way with words!
One specific memory was of me ... er...
I remember striving toward for a five hundred dollar goal and walking into a small sign shop on Christmas Eve. A profoundly beautiful and warm African American lady (no need for a comma here) welcomed me as I walked in.
Above, I took out profoundly, because you had used 'profound' twice.
I like this essay a lot! Let's change this conjunction...---> I felt like a mother and or older sister to my friend, Christine, as she battled difficult moments from her past and struggled to find her strength as a woman in America's image- driven society.
