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How the decision to take one class changed my life (FSU essay)


Fr33W33zy 2 / -  
Oct 14, 2010   #1
Could someone please review my essay and tell me what i need to improve on
The Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

The Latin words "Mores" and "Artes" play side by side throughout my lifelong journey. Artes the beauty of intellectual pursuits is realized after a strong character or mores is built. When I first read the topic of this essay I thought" what have I done that I can say is truly worthwhile that reflects these values?" Not until recently have I begun to understand what it means to have these values in my life.

Artes and Mores have been illustrated though my experiences as a peer counselor. Junior year of high school I took "Peer Counseling" a program allowed me to help people my age solve their problems. When I started this program I honesty had no ambition or confidence. The only option I thought I had was to become a nail technician. The thoughts I harbored only directed me to a path that would only end in failure. But, somehow throughout this program I learned the world was much bigger than me.

I have come in contact with a variety of people, whose problems are all bigger than my own. I have never had to work to support my family, I also have never had to wonder there I would get my next meal or where I was going to sleep at night. Helping these people has built my character in such a profound way.

Now, I use the skills obtained in peer counseling to encourage and influence others to be a better person than they where the previous day, which I know I can reflect as a student at Florida State University.
fjfjfjf - / 13  
Oct 15, 2010   #2
When I first read the topic [...] to have these values in my life .
Don't waste valuable space telling us what you are going to tell us; just do it.

... But, somehow throughout this program I learned the world was much bigger than meI liked what you said in this paragraph, but I'd consider revising. You talk about how peer counseling helped you but you don't tell us WHAT/HOW/WHY this experience taught you--that is the key to this paragraph. It seems like a formative experience in your life, you need to elaborate how this changed you; not in generalities but specifics. .

... Helping these people has built my character in such a profound wayHere you are trying to describe how your counseling work affected you but you still neglect to say how/why it was so important. "Profound" is a weak descriptive word without any analytical thought following it. .

Now, I use the skills obtained in peer counseling to encourage ...
Nice ending, I like how you talk about what you are bringing to FSU with your life experience. Perhaps you can focus on this a bit more?

Good luck.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 18, 2010   #3
The Latin words "Mores" and "Artes" play side by side throughout my lifelong journey.

nice!

This is why commas were invented:
Artes, the beauty of intellectual pursuits, is realized only after a strong character or mores is built. --- I added a word, too...

When I first read the topic of this essay, I thought, "Wh at have I done...

But after the sentence about mores being a prerequisite for artes, you need to give a sentence about your own life as an example.

Give more examples, more action verbs, more imagery words, and more discussion of your intentions for the next few years! The last paragraph especially needs to be developed more. :-)


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