application for study in korea
My name is Mohammed Mansour, and I am very dedicated to pursuing a career in computer science and Engineering so that I have chosen to study at Korean Universities as they are one of the world's leading universities that offering Excellent education and high technology across a variety of fields.
Since my country is still lagging far behind in computer science and engineering from the modern revolution in terms of experience and knowledge, I believe bringing in highly educated and skilled engineers to share their knowledge and expertise will help a lot in moving the country forward, thus studying in Korea will provide me with enough knowledge, experience and skills in this concerned area so that I contribute in serving my country in an effective way. moreover, studying in Korea will be a great opportunity for me to learn additional language as one of my greatest goals is to learn seven languages, I am confident that this scholarship will step me closer to my goal of becoming a polyglot. furthermore, for me it will be a precious experience to know the culture of Korea and the different kind of traditions and customs of Korean people and to be in touch with student from all over the world and learn about their culture and values. Also I have a few friends studying in Korea and they are full of admiration for Korea and it is universities and, consequently, it was very encouraging for me to apply for this scholarship.
I grew up as an older brother in a family with nine members. my father is a driver while my mother is a housewife. we never had luxuries but we never lacked the necessary things to live thanks to the great efforts of my parents. fortunately, we were raised by strong values in an environment of respect and humility, where I learned what discipline, responsibility and effort are. when I had got high grades at elementary school my parents decide that they want me to have a good education so that we moved from our small village to Khartoum the national capital of Sudan where I studied for like three years in a high school. Because of that I am currently studying Electrical Engineering at Sudan university and meanwhile studying Japanese language at the African and Asian studies institute.
It was 2017, when I had an opportunity to take apart on '' personal strategic planning'' training in my university
I have never thought it will be a critical point in my life from which everything flows even to today. but it was, it disciplined my thoughts to create important decisions and actions that shape what is truly important to me. decisions that will positively affect my future like being a polyglot which I started to make it true by learning Japanese, and after getting the KGSP I will be able to learn Korean in addition to English and of course German which it is my next goal after Korean.Even because of it I decided to become the number one swimmer in the whole middle east which is a goal that I am going to pursue when I come to Korea by having a swimming course there. Every goal and thing that I did till now return to that day.@jozaif12
Hello there! Welcome to the forum. I hope this feedback becomes helpful for your writing endeavors. If it does, don't hesitate to approach us. This will be a comprehensive take on your writing.
While I appreciate the introductory paragraph, you need to work a bit more on structure. I know I repeatedly mention structure, but this pertains primarily to your usage of run-on sentences and misused sentence lengths. The first paragraph could have been divided into three to four different sentences rather than just one cluster. Opt for this when you can.
Furthermore, the second paragraph appears to be quite cluttered in its composition. Try to focus on just one thought; and then, afterwards, you may separate another paragraph for the purpose of having a more organized approach to writing.
Best of luck as always.
